Healing From Emotional Abuse

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Is This Love?

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Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
 
There is a lot of misconceptions regarding the fine line between a loving, healthy relationship, and toxic, abusive relationships.  On my facebook Page www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, I had a little campaign going where I would describe a behavior ask whether that behavior was love or abuse.  For the most part, I would say that I used a lot of leading language, so people generally got the answers right.  But there were a few points of contention that shocked me.  So I wanted to explore this concept.
 
What is love? Some people characterize love as an intense feeling of deep connection.  Or, feeling deep romantic, and sexual attachments to someone.  What is your definition of love?  What are actions and characteristics that you expect from someone who loves you?
 
Mine definition of love is the trust and respect towards someone that you have strong, affectionate feelings for.  I truly believe you cannot love someone without wholeheartedly trusting and respecting them.  Just like you can’t hate someone without loving them, you also can’t love someone without trust or respect.  Think of someone that you love.  It could be a family member or friend.  Do you also respect that person?  Do you respect opinions, their goals? Their wants and needs?  I know that I ask my friends for advice all the time, because I trust them and respect what they have to say.  Now, think of someone that you love but you don’t respect or trust. You don’t appreciate their opinions.  You don’t think they’re a good person, making good decisions and doing positive things with their life.  You don’t think they’ll keep your secrets?  You don’t feel comfortable or safe sharing your thoughts, feelings, opinions or experiences with them because they might judge you.  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Probably not.  And I expect anyone who loves me to also trust and respect me.  They go hand in hand.
 
“Love” without respect and trust in my opinion is just sexual tension.  That’s why friends with benefits often don’t end well. 
 
Abuse is treating a person or animal (but in this case a person) with cruelty or violence, regularly or repeatedly.  There has to be a pattern of abuse in order for it to be considered domestic violence, and intent to make the survivor feel badly. 
 
You wouldn’t normally think that these two concepts could get confused, right?  I mean they are so specific and so opposite. But think about this: You and your significant other, friend or family member, just pick one, are out to eat at a restaurant.  The meals you ordered come out and are set in front of you.  You excitedly dig in! The person you’re with looks at you, cringes and says, “You’re eating like a pig!”  How do you feel?
 
Here is where the controversy is.  Some people will hear that and think, “Well that was unnecessarily rude and judgmental. I’m hungry, and their intention was to make me feel uncomfortable, small or fat.  That’s not love.”  Meanwhile, someone else will hear that and think, “They were just looking out for me because they love me.”   Which one did you hear?
 
Obviously, there is an element of perception, but on paper, that is classic emotional abuse.  There are ways to convey a message about eating habits that aren’t low-key making someone feel uncomfortable, insecure, or judged.  The only purpose of staying that was to have control of you and what you’re eating. The less you feel good about yourself and your decisions, the more control they have over you.
 
And this is where the misunderstanding on abuse vs love comes in.  In this example, the abuser lacks RESPECT.  Can you think of another example, hopefully not personal, where someone you respected said something to you to intentionally make you feel insecure?  Write me a comment. 
 
Along the same lines is jealousy.  Jealousy is not love.  Jealousy is a trait portrayed by abusive people.  If your partner or friend tries to isolate you from other people because they don’t like you around other boys or other girls, or don’t “trust” you around people, that is an emotionally abusive and manipulative move.  The purpose isn’t to keep you safe.  It’s to keep you insecure and away from people that could undo the control they have on you, or empower you to feel good about yourself and your decisions.  Your Narcissist want to to feel like they are doing this for your benefit, when it’s truly and honestly not.  Someone who is jealous will typically put you down because they want you to be on their level.  This is toxic.  You should be surrounded by people who encourage you and boost you up.
 
I have a friend who told me a story that I think will help to clarify this.  My friend, Jess, had a best friend, Ally.  Ally was very needy, and constantly needed Jess’s attention.  When she didn’t get that attention, she would blow up Jess’s phone, until Jess answered her. Then, Ally would use Jess’s disappearance to make Jess feel like a bad friend because Jess wasn’t there for Ally when she needed her.  The problem was, this happened all the time.  And usually, the situations that Ally would try and make Jess feel guilty about, either weren’t related to Jess at all, or weren’t that important.  Jess just wasn’t allowed, by Ally’s standards, to have a life outside of their friendship.  If they didn’t talk in a couple of days, Ally would harass Jess and call her a bad friend.  Ally would make Jess feel guilty for spending time with other people, and engaging in hobbies without inviting her along.  And it was toxic.  That kind of control and abuse, although might seem flattering on the outside, was a way for Ally to have a controlling hand on Jess.  After Jess told me that story, I encouraged her to start to cut ties, because Jess didn’t feel like she could do anything anymore without running it by Ally first, or without starting a fight. That’s abusive, manipulative and controlling behavior.  Have you ever had a friend like that with a friend or family member?  Someone who would make you feel guilty or uncomfortable for spending time with other people, or harass you until you answered the phone?  That’s not okay. And it’s not flattering.  It’s abusive.
 
Regarding the aforementioned facebook posts, I wanted to run them by you, and let me know if you think whether these are abuse or love?
 
Your partner feels insecure or jealous over your achievements. Love or Abuse?
 
2. Your partner checks your text messages and social media accounts.  Love or Abuse?
 
3. Your Partner monitoring your eating habits. Telling you what you can and can't eat.   Love or Abuse?
 
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching.   Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

Healing From Emotional Abuse: What Stalking Looks Like

Get Your FREE COPY of  my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
 
January is stalking awareness month, so I thought it would be fitting to make the last January episode about stalking. 
 
The term “stalking” as defined by the Department of Justice, means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for his or her safety or the safety of others or suffer substantial emotional distress.  Making someone feel unsafe in their surroundings or environment.  Stalking occurs when someone repeatedly harasses or threatens someone else, causing fear or safety concerns. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 17 men have experienced stalking in their lifetimes, reported by the CDC.
 
I was chatting about this with a colleague of mine last week while having some coffee, and we were talking about harassment and stalking, and how common it is.  And I began to speak about experiences I have had with stalking, in college and in workplaces, and had this overwhelming sensation that, these are not experiences I have discussed much.  I rarely speak, in detail, about the three times I was aggressively stalked, and figured it was because stalking isn’t a common topic. In fact, it’s rarely given the same weight as rape or assault — people will generally overlook it until something physical happens.  But, stalking is extremely psychologically damaging.  You don’t feel safe anywhere.  Even if they never touch you, you feel unsafe in all areas of your life.
Have you ever experienced anything like this?  That subtle feeling that you’re being watched? The tension in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right?  That unconscious need to peer over your shoulder consistently, but you don’t know what you’re looking for?  That’s the residue of the psychological impact that stalking has on a person.  When I go to my alma mader, Rowan University to visit my old campus, or speak, I always find myself going to the one bar in the town for food.  Landmark.  Landmark is a big place.  It has 3 separate rooms and a “nightclub”.  I love the food there, but I find myself having this undeniable need to always be looking at the doors, or the entrances to the room I’m sitting in.  I can’t have anyone sitting behind me, or I peer over my shoulder a million times. 
 
And that goes back to a boy I dated in college for roughly one month.  After we broke up, he would find out where I was, using his Fraternity brothers and other greek life resources on campus, and then show up.  He would have his brothers stand in every corner, or by every exit of Landmark, watching me and monitoring everything I did.  He would position himself outside of my classrooms after all of my classes, or have his friends outside my classrooms or outside of the building to watch where I go, and make sure I wasn’t with anyone else. He would use his fraternity brother’s facebooks to stalk me and see where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing.  I was never one for posting all of my personal information anyways - but it really deterred me from even using social media.  It even boiled down to me asking my friends to cut down on posting or tagging me in things, for fear he’d show up.  Usually drunk. Always irate or crying.
 
I haven’t seen him since I graduated in 2014, and he hasn’t seen me in person either.  But I still have this unconscious need to see the front door at all times.  I remember one night after class, my friend had to sneak me out of my classroom, and we maneuvered around through back doorways to get out of the building, because he was standing outside the room on a day that he texted me over 75 times in one hour, and didn’t answer.  I was scared of his reaction.  I was terrified of what he would say or do.  His behavior was erratic.  So, we snuck out the back-way, my friend came with me to my apartment so I could pack a bag, and we went back to his dorm where I stayed for a couple days while I made a safety plan.  And that’s just one example of one experience I had with him, one time.
 
If you haven’t watched the Netflix series, You, I recommend it.  Season 1 is painfully accurate regarding how the mind of a stalker works, as well as, signs and red flags that are commonly ignored or overlooked by stalking victims.  Season 2 is great too, it just has more of a “serial killer” vibe, and less of a stalking vibe.  The stalking is still there, but he’s more violent aggressively in Season 2.  So I’m going to focus mainly on season 1.  And this is a Fair warning, there will definitely be spoilers: SPOILERS!  For example, when Peach starts to notice that Joe is always around, or was conveniently at the train station and other places that Beck was at, but Beck ignored and justified it.  Overlooked weird things that Joe just knew about her, and how he would say the perfect thing.  And how he was always right there, at the festival and in the park.  Those are all big red flags. 
 
Joe’s obsession isn’t really about making Beck feel loved and comforted, it’s about taking full control of her life and surroundings, and isolating her, so nobody can penetrate the wall he’s building around her.  By encouraging her to stop spending time with her friends, and making her feel guilty or upset about wanting to spend time away from him, he is manipulating her free-will and controlling her life.  When you’re on the inside of it all, it’s difficult to see.  Especially with someone as coy and sneaky as Joe.  But those yellow and red flags, the uneasy feeling in your stomach that tells you something isn’t right, are huge warning signs, and shouldn’t be ignored. 
 
Penn Badgley, Joe,  is not an unknown actor.  He has been in hit films and shows like “John Tucker Must Die,” Gossip Girl, and Easy A. But after Netflix bought YOU from Lifetime, his twitter following blew up!  Great for him!  I’m really happy.  But the messages he was receiving on twitter were horrifying.  People would tweet at him and ask Joe to kidnap them, and that they wish someone would fight for them like Joe fights for Beck.  THAT IS NOT OKAY!  And Penn addressed this situation by trying to correct people’s mindsets about stalking.   Here a couple examples:
 
@PennBadgley kidnap me please
Penn: No thanks
Said this already, but @PennBadgley is breaking my heart once again as Joe.  What is it about him?
Penn: He is a murderer.
I’m telling you it’s your face that does it.  You’re gorgeous.  I can see past that crazy shit.
Penn: But you’re supposed to see past my face TO the crazy shit!  It’s the other way! The Other Wayyyyyy Ugh!
The amount of people romanticizing @PennBadgley’s character in YOU scares me.
Penn: Ditto!
 
And I have to agree.  The amount of people that are romanticizing stalking is sick.
 
Close your eyes and try to imagine this… or if you’re driving, don’t close your eyes, but imagine this scenario.  Have you ever been out at a bar or a coffee shop with a friend, where  you guys are sitting and catching up.  And you start to feel this burning sensation on the back of your neck, like someone is watching you?  You get a chill down your spine, and you can feel someone staring at you.  You know the feeling.  The chills roll down your back, and you look behind you, but nobody is there.  You can take a deep breath, and continue your conversation, and enjoy the rest of your time there.  Has that ever happened to you?  If you’re a victim of stalking, that feeling doesn’t go away.  Imagine living life always looking over your shoulder, and feeling like someone is watching.  My stalker stopped trying to find me in 2016, and I still find myself looking over my shoulder.  Even in places that he would never truly be in.  My guard is always up now. 
 
A common misconception that NEEDS to be addressed again, is being stalked isn’t romantic or flattering.  I wasn’t stalked because I’m cute or have a great personality.  I was stalked because a person who is controlling and manipulative worked his way into my routine, and did everything in his power to make me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable and scared.  I was stalked because this person was sick.  After I broke it off, he used to sit in his car outside my house at 2 in the morning and watch me.  I lived on the first floor, and I would see him staring into my window at 4am.  I had my best friend sleep over for 3 weeks so I could hopefully get 1 hour of sleep per night. This image of him standing outside my window as burned into my eyelids.  Until I finally lost my mind, and started sleeping at other peoples dorms or houses, I did not get any sleep.  I would pace around my room all night trying to find ways to get him out of my head.
 
At one point, He convinced my landlord that he was interested in real estate, and asked for an internship, so he could be in my house when I wasn’t there.  And her office was across from my room.  So he was always in close proximity to me.  He would get intoxicated and call me asking if he could stay over because he was too drunk to drive home.  And obviously, there was no reasoning with him.  He would show up, throw tantrums, yell and scream until I let him in the house, and then would stomp around, kick, cry throw things, and cause a big scene until I gave in.  Before you ask, I didn’t want to call the police because I felt bad for him, and was also scared of the backlash for him and myself.  And finally, he would fall asleep on my floor.  And I would wake up, and he would be in my bed.  Manipulative and  Controlling.
 
When I worked for the Army, I had a co-worker who was a friend, and never anything more, that began to stalk me as well.  He would harass me with text messages all the time, make really forward and uncomfortable comments at me, and imply that he, his wife and I should have a 3some.  Those are not stalking… that’s just inappropriate, disgusting behavior.  The stalking began when he started commenting on the pillow I was laying on at home, when he wasn’t there.  Or when he would comment on my surroundings or the people I was with, without him having any prior knowledge.  He hacked into my phone camera and was watching me.  I thought I was going insane.  And when I went to the police about it, they told me that it’s impossible to hack into my camera and that they think he is just a really good guesser. 
 
So, I was alone on this one.  I even made a report to the commander of the base, and she told me just not to go near him.  I ended up covering my phone camera with a post-it note and was always looking over my shoulder at work and at home.  It didn’t help that he knew where I lived.  So, I registered for my FOID card, because this person has a history of aggressive, threatening and stalker tendencies.  He has, in the past, threatened to kill himself and the person who he was stalking.  She even transferred to a base in another state, several states away to get away from him, and he followed her there.  And because of the 7 PRIOR reports that went un-investigated, I become paranoid that he would come to my house, or break into my house while I wasn’t home and kill my dog.  If he’s willing to fly states to stalk someone, I think he’s willing to drive 45 minutes. So, I got a FOID card, and learned to shoot well.  Luckily, it never had to use it, and I transferred to a different base.  Not that he stopped trying to get to me… but it didn’t last much longer than that.
 
Anyone who has any social media, I’m sure, knows the term “facebook stalked,” or “Cyber Stalked”.  It’s a soft way of saying that you dove deeply into someone’s facebook page.  And that’s totally fine.  My concern with it, is the act of cyber stalking loses its meaning when it’s watered down like that.  Cyber stalking is what Joe does.  He digs so deeply into someone’s social media, and connects dots to find out where Beck lives, who her friends are, everything about her friends, everything about her dad, where she was at that festival.  Learns everything he can about her and everything around her, so he can systematically control her and all of them.
 
Cyber stalking is not a funny joke.  I’ve seen lives completely turned upside down for a decade from being cyber stalked.  Always watched.  Always intimidated.  Being threatened and sent candid pictures of yourself taken from your computer camera while you’re not actively taking pictures.  I’ve had several friends who were being watched and then blackmailed with pictures taken from their computer camera’s, by someone who hacked into their computers, of them changing, or naked or after a shower, or in bed with someone.  And those pictures were used against them.  That’s such an invasion of privacy, and it’s terrifying!  You’ve lost control of the comfort of your home!
 
Imagine being in that position.  Imagine being sent pictures of yourself that you didn’t know were taken in compromising situations.  That are now being held against you and threatened to be posted to someone who shouldn’t see them.  That’s a real invasion of your privacy.
 
To prevent stalking, CDC promotes the importance of early prevention and support efforts, which can include:
Empowering everyone to understand, recognize, and address stalking.
Mobilizing men and boys as allies in prevention efforts.
And supporting safe environments within relationships, schools, and communities through programs and policies that reduce risk and promote healthy relationships.
 
So to recap: Stalking is dangerous.  It’s a loss of control of your life and your surroundings.  It makes a person feel uneasy in their homes, offices, streets, anywhere and everywhere.  It can result in physical harm and death, as seen on YOU.  And it psychologically traumatizes victims for years, sometimes for ever.  I can never say that i’m 100% over it.  I still have nightmares, I still am paranoid in public places.  I still look over my shoulder.  I still like to be sitting facing the front doors at restaurants.  I still wonder if someone is watching me through my phone or computer camera every day.  The chill still runs down my spine when I think about it.  And it’s been a few years since I’ve been in contact with either of these people. So, bottom line, before you write-off stalking as a minimal crime, just keep in mind that external damage heals, but internal damage doesn’t go away.  It stays with you and inside you for a long time.
 
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching.  Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Self Esteem Activities

Get Your FREE COPY of  my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
 
Abuse is debilitating, and the feeling doesn’t just go away.  Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, narcissism, and Sexual Assault, aside from physical damage, leave severe and lasting emotional and psychological repercussions on its victims.  In sexual assault situations, our personal space and body are violated.  We lose control of our bodies, and are instead met with shame, guilt and the feeling of being worthless and devalued.  Our crime scene is our bodies.  We never have the luxury to leave it. 
 
And with domestic violence, something everyone needs to understand, it never starts out with someone punching us in the face.  They need to hook us first.  It’ll start with charm and love and kindness.  Then slowly but surely start to verbally and emotionally abuse us, and that branches into physical and sexual abuse.  It’s a cycle that never ends, sometimes even after we leave.  But the verbal abuse and psychological abuse depletes our confidence and self-worth.  We begin to lose ourselves.  And when that happens, we convince ourselves that everything our abusers said to us was true.  And tear ourselves down and make us feel worse and worse.
 
We often search for ways to forget, or pretend it never happened.  And that doesn’t help either.  You can’t escape your past.  When it comes back to haunt us, the first thing survivors grab for are quick fixes.  That can be anything from abusing substances or promiscuity, to total reclusion and anything in between.  According to the Center On Addiction dot Org, a common psychological factor that attributes one to becoming a drug addict is having endured,  “physical, sexual or emotional abuse or trauma.”  The best way to take control of your past abuse is to build yourself up in a healthy way.  And that starts with your confidence.  Someone who values themselves  and has a strong sense of worth, typically won’t turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain.
 
So, let’s keep you safe and build you back up.  Give you your power back.  The most important way to build your confidence is by changing the way you talk to yourself.  And this goes for everyone - not just survivors of abuse.  For whatever reason, it became a societal mantra that we are our harshest critics - which encourages us to trash ourselves, to ourselves.  We as people should always push ourselves to be better and do our best.  But not at the expense of our self-esteem. 
 
In high school, typically we look to the athletes and the honors students as the high achievers.  The ones with the highest sense of self, that push themselves the hardest and will go on to achieve the most.  Right?  For my high school, it was the soccer players.   And what made our soccer team so successful is that they, and their coach, demanded their best from them at every practice.  At all times, they were pushing themselves to do their best.  But not at the expense of their confidence.  The coach and team would bolster their sense of confidence, and they would supplement it by talking themselves up.  Statistics show that high school students with more confidence are less likely to take part in risky behaviors.  The two least susceptible populations in high school for trying drugs or teen pregnancies are : Athletes and Honors Students.  Because these activities provide the students with confidence.
 
For me, I attended a magnet program for theater and performing arts for high school.  So instead of having gym and electives, I had a secondary schedule filled with dance classes, voice and acting. And it was always the same people. And it was a lot of fun.  But, I always felt isolated from my classmates.  They were a clique, and I didn’t belong.  Now, they never said I didn’t belong or wasn’t invited.  It was what I told myself, everyday.  That I wasn’t pretty enough, that I wasn’t cool enough, or that I wasn’t talented enough to hang out with them.  And without them having to say a word, I completely took myself out of the running to be included in their group.  At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing.  I felt like what they were doing and saying was what kept me isolated.  But looking back, because I was telling myself that I wasn’t worthy of being a part of their group, I didn’t even try to be their friends.  I had myself completely convinced that I was not good enough.   
Have you ever had an experience like this?  Think back to a time where you felt left out or isolated from a group or an event.  Did anyone ever say anything about you not being invited or welcome there?  Or was it you that told yourself?  Was it you that convinced yourself that you’re not good enough to be there?  Or that nobody there likes you? 
 
I wanted so badly to live with the confidence they had, but I didn’t realize that I was the one tearing myself down constantly.  With the help of my teachers and peers, I was handed more than enough evidence to prove to myself what a piece of crap I was, but it was really just me tearing myself down.  Have you ever noticed yourself doing that?  Reiterating what someone else that you respect says about you?  When others say it, it hurts, but not as much as when you say it to yourself.  Think of a time that someone you loved or respected told you some horrible quality about you. Even if it was in a fight. What did you say to yourself after they said it?  Did you tell yourself that it wasn’t true, or did you agree and feel even worse about yourself?
 
There are innumerable benefits to building your confidence.  First and foremost, you won’t feel bad about yourself anymore.  You won’t blame yourself or beat yourself up.  You won’t feel powerless or like a small floating blob in the big, big universe. Instead, you could be the person that inspires others. Finding love within yourself, and being able to share your journey with others is inspiring.  Recognizing that you’ve overcome obstacles, whatever that means for you, and helping others to do so makes you a leader. 
 
What I want you to do today, is recognize all of your amazing qualities.  Like I said, it’s easy to beat ourselves down.  So let’s work on building self esteem.  Let’s take some time and reflect on all of our amazing, strong qualities, and start putting more emphasis on those, than on the negative qualities that we judge and criticize ourselves for.
 
In the comments, make a list of your favorite qualities about yourself. It can be something physical, like, “I love my eyes,” or “I love my smile.” Or something emotional like, “I really care about my friends.” or “I am a kind and generous person.”  It won’t seem conceited or egotistical.  It’s confident.  If you’re beating yourself up because you can’t think of anything, just ask your best friend or a family member.  Somebody you trust whose kind and whose opinion you respect. Ask them what your 5 best qualities are and write them down.
 
Within the next few weeks, I will be launching a program called 5 Days to Confidence (Now, Healing From Emotional Abuse: Confidence Building Exercises for Survivors of Narcissism https://marissafayecohen.thinkific.com/enroll/1064727?price_id=1184204 ), where I take these ideals and more, to help you build confidence back up after abuse. Changing your self-talk is just one small step to increasing confidence.  In 4 days, you’ll learn tools tips and tricks on how to build yourself up, and stay confident while healing from your trauma.
 
Thank you guys for tuning in today! You’re taking big strides to becoming a more confident you! Next week, we’ll be talking about Stalking.  The dangers, the show You, and maybe a special guest!
 
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Thats www.M-a-r-i-s-s-a-F-a-y-e-c-o-h-e-n.com backslash private-coaching.  Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

Healing From Emotional Abuse : What Does Victim Blaming Mean?

Get Your FREE COPY of  my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
Hello and Welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse. I’m Marissa F. Cohen.  Today, we’re talking about Victim Blaming. What is Victim Blaming?  Victim Blaming is Devaluing the victim of a crime, an accident, or any time of abusive maltreatment by holding them wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct against them.
 
In laymen's terms, that means blaming somebody for the crime that they did not commit.  That they were a victim of. Or putting any sort of blame on that person, even though they had no part in the making of the decisions.
 
There are a lot of ways that people might not realize that they’re victim blaming.  A lot of really common phrases are blaming somebody by saying that they’re doing this for attention.  Or they’re saying it for attention. By asking somebody how much you drank.  If you were at a party and something bad happened to you, saying, “how much did you drink?” Or, “did you use any drugs?”  And using that as a means to explain why that person is at fault for what happened to them.
 
And my absolute least favorite ever, and it still, I don’t understand how, but it’s still so common that this is the first thing people ask victims of sexual assault after it happens.  “What were you wearing?”  Why on earth would somebody’s clothing determine whether it’s okay or not okay to take advantage of that person? I’ll never understand. Or, “if you didn’t want that to happen to you, than you shouldn’t have… blank.”  So you’re saying that they are the cause  of what happened to them because of something they did.
 
And while some of these play a part in being targeted for abuse, they are not the reason for the assault. The only reason a sexual assault happens is because offender chose to offend. The victim does not have a choice or any say. They don’t give consent. And that’s what makes it sexual assault. 
 
Rape and sexual assault are never about sexual urges or being turned on.  It’s about power and control.  Being able to overpower a person, and take away their control.  It’s a violent and coercive shift in the power dynamic. 
A perfect example is, On January 1st, 2020 an article came out from Northern Illinois University’s newspaper, the Independent, citing a classic example of victim blaming.  A woman was sexually assaulted in an alley behind a bar, and the lawyer representing the establishment, El Hefe Super Macho Taquiria, stated that “she was more than 50% of the proximate cause of injury.”   That’s his way of saying, she did this to herself. The survivor claims that she was drugged at the establishment and assaulted by the two security guards that escorted her out to the back alley behind the bar.  The bar’s defense against that was that she  became overly intoxicated and, “neglected to take adequate and proper steps necessary to protect her own safety while at the establishment.”  So now, not only are they saying that their employees, their security guards were not responsible for what happened, but she completely is because she was drinking and became intoxicated.
 
Now, I know that, that’s not an excuse, and that’s classic victim blaming. But that is so dangerous to survivors.
 
So, what do you think about that?  Does the responsibility of safety fall on the establishment or on the patron?
 
I know from working in the restaurant industry for 12 years that laws surrounding getting a liquor license will tell you that the establishment is to blame.  They are required to maintain a safe environment for patrons by monitoring drinking while in the establishment.  But what do you guys think?
Another example is:
 
In 2018. the Centre de Communautaire Maritime in Brussels featured an exhibit filled with clothes worn by victims of sexual assault to combat the idea that what you were wearing does not in any way justify rape.  There were clothes from button up tops and dress pants, to dresses, jeans and even baby clothes. Toddler clothes. Clothes that you were too young to be able to know or be able to conceptualize what sex is. And they were hanging on the wall.  Hundreds of pieces around this exhibit.  And it was really eye opening for a lot of people.  It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing.  What matters that somebody else is taking control of you.  Whether you are conscious or unconscious.  Whether you are a child or an adult.  If there is no consent, it is sexual assault.  It is rape  The belief that what you were wearing  causes rape is extremely damaging to survivors. 
 
There are numerous programs you’ll see around college campuses in April.  There’s denim day.  There’s the Clothesline project.  There are all these programs and all of these things to show you that it really doesn’t matter what you’re wearing.  There was a girl that was raped while wearing jeans and the judge decided that the perpetrator was not guilty because jeans are difficult to take off.  And in order to pull jeans off of a person, the person wearing the jeans needs to help.  So she was partly responsible for her rape and therefore, he was not guilty, which is the origin of Denim Day.  People wear jeans on Denim Day to show how ridiculous a claim that is. You can be raped in anything. 
 
 
Think about it this way.  Do we blame people that wear backpacks or purses for their belongings getting mugged?  Do we blame people who were the victim of a drive-by shooting or a school shooting for being shot?  What is the difference?
 
When victims come running out of a school, or afterwards on the news when we see a school shooting, we never, ever, it doesn’t even cross our minds to blame the people that were shot.  Or the people that were there, that were not the shooter or the event.  So why do we blame survivors of rape and sexual assault for what happened TO them without their consent?  What’s the difference?
 
Another example.  After the video was released of former Baltimore Ravens Running back, Ray Rice beating his then fiancé (now wife) Janay Rice, the Baltimore Ravens tweeted about how that was Janay Rice’s fault.  She was clearly the victim in all the videos.  There was nothing she could have done to deserve being punched like that, then dragged by her hair out of the elevator.  But we try to blame the victim because the Baltimore Raven’s didn’t want the negative PR against Ray Rice.  That’s not right.
 
 
And what about that case in Stubenville, Ohio? There was a 12 year old girl that went to a party, just like 200 of her classmates. She got drunk and passed out and then was gang raped by her entire football team. Clearly she was too young to be drinking, but you know what, so were the 200 other people that were there, including the football players.  So why is it that the town of Stubenville turned against the girl who was gang raped by the football team, and not the football team?  And not the students that took videos?  Why was she the one that was vilified and tormented and harassed until her family left the town?
 
As a society, I feel that we tend to value people who are more important.  Who have a higher value.  So the football team brought money and attention to Stubenville, so it only “makes sense” to value them more than the victim of a crime, right?  That makes total sense.
 
And transitioning past that, who remembers the Harvey Weinstein case?  I mean, how could you forget it?  A ton of celebrities came out about that, starting with Ashely Judd, Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, and it eventually got to Angelina Jolie, Reese Witherspoon, and all of these people who hold so much value in society.  We never for a second doubted these women.  Not once did I hear anyone say, “Oh, they’re probably lying about it for attention.”  Why? Why do we put more belief in people who “hold value” than other people who are victims of the exact same crime?  Why do you think nobody doubted the famous celebrities that came out and spoke up about their abuse?  And why are we the first ones  to jump on people that  accuse famous people?  Like Bill Cosby’s accusers.  And the accusers of famous NHL players or basketball players?  Why are we so quick to judge them, but we’re not nearly as quick to judge famous celebrities who are accusing other people?
 
Do we think fame or celebrity or value affect peoples likelihood to believe the victim?
 
Here is how Victim Blaming hurts people.
 
It makes victims less likely to come forward because they don’t want to be blamed or not believed by people.  They’re afraid of the JUDGMENT that comes from coming forward. It prevents people from breaking their silence, and getting the help and healing they really need!
It silences victims and empowers predators.
 
The documentary The Hunting Ground from 2013, followed a bunch of survivors of sexual assault on college campuses.  In their research, they found that only about 9% of males in the world are abusers.  Of the small percentage of men who are abusers, about 85% of them rape 6 or more people.  So, why are we empowering small percentage of perpetrators that are hurting people, instead of the giant number of survivors every single day? Why do we empower the people that are hurting people, instead of the people that are trying to heal? 
 
And I understand, I always get this.  You might be thinking, “Hey Marissa, but what about false reports? Those people must account for something.”  I’ll get more into this topic in another podcast, but only between 2%-8% of reports to authorities are false reports.  Now, take into consideration all the sexual assaults that happen. 1.5 million girls will get raped in college. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 5 men get raped in their lifetime.  And of all of that, only 5% of cases get reported to the authorities.   And of that 5% only 2-8% are false reports.  That is the exact same number, it is equal to every other crimes false reporting statistics.  2-8% of breaking and entering reports are false reports.  2-8% of homicides are false reports.  2-8% of every criminal act reported to authorities are false reports. So why are rape victims the only ones with the bad reputation?  Why are rape victims the only ones that are doubted?
 
Bottom line, be more mindful of victim blaming in your every day life!  Let’s empower survivors and champions to take their voices back and tell their stories.  We can stop so many horrible things from happening if we stop doubting survivors, and we start believing them and empowering them to speak their truths.
 
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Thats www.M-a-r-i-s-s-a-F-a-y-e-c-o-h-e-n.com backslash private-coaching.  Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

Healing From Emotional Abuse : How To Overcome Narcissism

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Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entire lives have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
 
Hey Everyone, Welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse. Where we talk about anything related to narcissistic abuse in a very raw and candid way.  The whole point here is to bring awareness to the topics of domestic violence and sexual assault. I want everyone to know what people go through, and the different topics and coping skills that relate to narcissism, and narcissistic abuse and sexual assault so that you can be more understanding and aware of people and friends and family members who experience it, and how you can better help.
 
My life mission is to help survivors who are leaving abusive relationships or have already left abusive relationships find healing.  I want to help you succeed and be the champions of your lives.  Take your life back and take your voice back. 
 
Today I just wanted to share a bit of my story, and how I’ve gotten to where I am now from the experiences that I’ve had.
 
My first boyfriend in college started off by being kind and he was charming, and he was funny.  We were on the student government together.  Every single day he’d bring me snacks to my desk, and we would put our feet up on my desk and watch Glee and eat snacks.  It was fun and he made me feel special and loved. And I was thrilled because he was my first ever relationship, and that’s what I wanted.  I wanted someone to coddle me, and be kind and funny and thrilling.  It was thrilling.  It wasn’t thrilling like we were on a roller coaster.  It was thrilling like this is what I saw in movies, and this is what I always dreamed my first relationship would be like, and it was really happening. 
 
So, by the time we were official for three months, he did a complete 180 and had become verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, psychologically abusive, and sexually abusive.  It started off by him telling me that the things I was saying were dumb or stupid. And then my opinions were stupid.  And then, everything I did and said, and believed and wanted were stupid.  One of the things that he told me was that I was never going to be independent.  That I’m always going to depend on a man, specifically him, for support financially and emotionally, because I was a piece of crap. And I would never amount to anything.
 
After he would say things like that, it’s not like I had the foresight to say, “Hm, he’s wrong. I’m not going to be like that.  I’m never going to be like that.”  At this point, he had fulfilled my dreams and what I expected from a boyfriend.  And I had grown to love him and respect him so much throughout the first couple weeks and months, that by the time that it was getting really bad, I didn’t even see it anymore.   I thought and felt that everything he had said and done to me was because he loved me and respected me.  And he wanted me to be better.  I thought that it was all out of love and respect, because that’s what I gave to him. I thought that this was his way of showing love and respect to me. 
 
At this point, it was a little bit passed Christmas.  I had become such a shell of a human, that  was experiencing horrendous bouts of depression and anxiety.  The thought of going to school, getting up in the morning, showering, brushing my hair, were all feats.  And they were things that I needed to overcome every single day.   I was still on the student government, I was still the face of the student government.  I had all of these responsibilities and things I needed to do, on top of working two jobs and taking six classes. 
So, it’s not like I had a lot of time to wallow. I just had to figure out how to pretend that I was not this broken shell of myself.  So, everyday I’d go to school.  And everyday, people  would talk to me, and talk to me and approach me, and he would demean me and it just never got better.
 
And I thought, “He loves me, and he is doing this because he loves me. I just wish he wasn’t hurting me.  I wish he wasn’t saying these things and I wish he wasn’t doing these things. But he must be doing it for my benefit.”  And all I could think about were the good times.  How at the very beginning, we’d sit at my desk and watch Glee.  And how he took me on these beautiful dates to these amazing restaurants.  How he took me for a walk on the beach, and held my hand, and made me feel so special. And said all these beautiful things to me.  That’s what would go through my mind every single day. All of these horrible things that were happening right now must be coming from a better place because he’s still that good person inside. There’s still that goodness in him, and those experiences  that we had.  And occasionally we would go on beautiful dates, and he would say beautiful things, and we would do fun stuff and he would be nice.  But it just got worse and worse.  With everything that I let him get away with and everything I didn’t stand my ground on.
I want to stop for a second and really reflect on this.  Have you ever had an experience like that? Where a friend or a boyfriend or significant other or family member treated you in a way where you didn’t truly understand what they were doing was narcissistic and abusive?  But it made you feel bad, you just justified and rationalized it?  Think about it. Because that’s something that all survivors of narcissistic abuse go through. It’s really important to keep that in mind when you’re working with or talking to or helping survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse and narcissism.  Not seeing those red flags and justifying those behaviors is very common.
 
On January 15, 2010, the ten year anniversary is coming up, I remember we were at his house and his parents and his brother were downstairs, and we were upstairs in a hang out room.  We were watching a movie and the movie ended and I said I need to get ready to go.  I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave to be home before my curfew. 
He suggested we go and cuddle for 15 minutes before you go.  “I really want to spend that time with you.”  And that was something that we’d done before.  We cuddled, and laid in his bed. And we’d lay on the couch. It was fun and familiar.  And those were the quality moments that I rally loved with him.
 
So, we went into his room, and we got on his bed, and he said, “If we’re going to cuddle, I want to cuddle naked.”  It was weird, but it wasn’t out of the ordinary.  It was something we’d done before.  He justified and we justified it as, the skin-on-skin contact is so much more beautiful. 
 
At this time, I was a virgin.  I had never done anything before.  I think I made out with one guy, maybe two guys before him.  But that was it.  I’d never done anything else.  So, he knew that I was not ready for sex.  We had had that conversation, to the day, one week before that I wasn’t ready.  And we’d been together for almost three months and I was still a baby. 
 
So, we were laying in his bed, naked, cuddling, and then before I could even blink, he had flipped me onto my back, held my hands above my head, and he began to have sex with me.   It was so shocking that I couldn’t breathe.  And it was like time had stopped, and everything in the world was frozen.  And I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t scream.  And I couldn’t do or say anything.  I didn’t even realize it was rape until about 6 months later.  I don’t know how long it went for, all I know is I don’t think I breathed the entire time, and when he stopped, he rolled over on his side and I was still laying on my back, and I was shaking.  He was panting like he had just done all this incredibly difficult work.  I just rolled over, looked away from him and started crying, and I couldn’t stop crying for an hour. I couldn’t make words. I think that was the first panic attack I ever had. I was gasping for air, and I was just hysterical.
 
And he was just laying there rubbing my back, telling me that everything fine and I’m just being dramatic.  That, “Sex is nice and that’s what boyfriends and girlfriends do.  You have sex with each other. So what’s the problem?”
 
I ended up staying at his place that night because I couldn’t drive.  I was hysterical.  And I stayed in a guest room, but I didn’t sleep the entire night.  I don’t even think I closed my eyes for more than 10 seconds at a time because I was very fearful.  The next morning, he took me out for breakfast, after his parents gave me a ton of crap about having had sex.  And making the joke that he owes me a morning after breakfast.  And all this stuff.  I was mortified.  So, we went out to breakfast.  He further justified why what happened the night before was okay.  And how I’m supposed to just keep doing it.  Doing it more will make it better.  But I didn’t feel anything.  It’s not like it hurt.  It just felt numb.  So the problem for me wasn’t that it hurt or didn’t feel good.  Or that I wanted it to get better, physically. The problem was that I didn’t feel anything physically, but emotionally, I feel torn apart.  I remember sitting at breakfast and I was eating food, I was force feeding myself, but I just felt this big, gaping hole in my stomach that I couldn’t fill.  I thought maybe eating more food would help, or having more sex would help.  I didn’t know, because I didn’t know it wasn’t normal.  There was no education about what it’s supposed to be like afterwards.  What you’re supposed to feel and that these feelings weren’t normal. 
I had no idea, and I had no one to talk to about it.  Some of my friends had sex.  But it wasn’t a conversation that I was wiling to have. So, I sat down with my mom the next day, and she told me sex is beautiful. And sex is something that you do when you love somebody, and that it’s okay.  I didn’t tell her that it wasn’t consensual. I  still didn’t tell her, and after that, I just didn’t want to hurt her.  I didn’t want her to feel like she could have stopped it, because she couldn’t have. I didn’t know what was going on.  He took advantage in a very vulnerable moment. So, I just went with it and said thank you very much.  And I know that sex is a good thing.  It’s a good thing to do with someone you love. Fine. Cool. Moving on.
 
I didn’t talk to anybody about it for the rest of the weekend.  But the next Monday in school, I was in the office with a couple of my friends, and I had subtly brought up the fact that Dave and I had, had sex for the first time, but I didn’t really want to.  And their reactions were explosive. It wasn’t “Oh my god, what do you mean?”  It was, “WHAT?? WHAT IS GOING ON?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T WANT IT?? HE HAD SEX WITH YOU ANYWAYS?!” And I just was terrified, and I withdrew.  They knew him.  I still loved him and I didn’t want anyone to hate him or get him in trouble.  Again, I still didn’t know that what had happened was rape.  So I didn’t talk about it again for about 6 months.
 
I want to take another minute to reflect on this.  What do you think you would have done in my situation?  If you were already very timid about something that happened to you, and very, very confused about a situation, and you had people getting really aggressive and loud.  It’s a little intimidating.  I’d like to know what you think you would have done or did do, in that situation when you had it or when you could have potentially had it.  It’s confusing and scary.  And one of the biggest fears is potentially being judged.  So now, you’re being judged, on top of being overwhelmed.  So what do you think?
 
Meanwhile, I continued to have sex with him over and over again, because I thought maybe it would get better and fill that hole in my stomach.  And then the sexual abuse got worse.
He forced me to go down on him. That was a horrendous experience, too.  And he blamed all of that on me crying after sex because it made him feel so bad and he felt so guilty for making me cry.  So this  was me having to repay him for hurting him, which was really manipulative. 
 
About 6 months later, I was driving with my best friend, and we were jamming to Taylor Swift and eating candy. We passed this ice cream place we both really liked and she said something like, “If you love me, you’ll pull over.” And I just lost it.  I fell into another panic attack.  She had to grab the wheel because I couldn’t breathe, and pull the car over for us.  I unloaded everything, and told her everything.  And that was probably the smartest, unplanned decision I ever made, because she happened to be the perfect person to tell that to.  She was calm, and she was actively listening.  She let me say what I needed to say, and she wasn’t trying to solve my problem.  She listened to me, and loved me and validated me, and told me that we will do whatever it takes to make me okay.  And to help me get over this.
My best friend happened to be the perfect person to tell this to and speak to.  Not only because she was so calm and understanding, but because she had experience in it.  And she totally empathized with me and totally understood what I was going through.  Who is somebody you feel that you can talk to without feeling like you’re going to be judged.  Or without feeling like what you’re going to say is going to scare them.  Think about that, because those people are so important to have in your life. 
 
So the event happened on January 15, 2010.  On March 15, 2010,  exactly two months later, I broke up with him.  We got back together and broke up again a week later, but the big one was March 15.  And then, in July is when I told my best friend.  So, there was a good amount of time where I was just devastated, still and not talking about it. But not dealing with him, either, in a romantic way. 
I definitely took my trauma and ran with it in a way that was very unhealthy.  I still had that big hole in my stomach, and having sex with him didn’t fill it, so I thought maybe having sex with other people would.  So I started sleeping around.  Not with randoms, and not with hundreds of people.  But people I was interested in, I was much quicker to jump into bed with them than I would have been. Than I was initially and planned to be, growing up.  I was always a person that was very conservative with my “self.”  I didn’t go on dates with people I didn’t want to.  I didn’t kiss people I didn’t want to.  I never felt forced to do anything.  I never felt like I needed the attention.  And so that stuff never really bothered me.  And that stuff really never affected me. 
But after this, I had this feeling, and I just wanted that feeling to go away. So that summer,  I did my fair share of sleeping around and soul searching, and hurting people without meaning to.  It was all about a self-discovery thing for me.  And so, to anyone who I may have hurt that summer in 2010, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to.  It was a reckless summer for me.
So many people have, so many different responses to this type of trauma.  Some people completely withdraw from society, or from the gender that hurt them;  Or from friends and family.  And just maintain that victim mentality, “Shell of themselves” lifestyle, which is really, really unfortunate. Some people develop eating disorders. Some people really get into a hobby.  It’s so different for every person.  There is a lot of overlap in drug use and alcohol  abuse and sexual assault and domestic violence.  There is homelessness.  There are so many different outcomes.  So being understanding of that and knowing that this is all a response to a trauma, is really important to be mindful of.
 
So fast forward through the summer.  I went back to school for about a week, and then I got accepted into a program in Israel, where I was studying psychology overseas in a  phenomenal school.  And so I jumped on a plane and went.  And I moved their.  I ended up connecting with old friends.  And started a relationship with this guy who ended up being my first love.  He helped me completely rewire my messed up brain. He helped me relearn about healthy relationships, about learning to love myself again, what to expect from a partner, and toxic relationships.  He helped me put myself back together.
 
After my year in Israel, I moved home and continued with that relationship with the guy from Israel.  I was back at the school with my abuser for one more year. I was elected Vice President of the Student Government, and he was the Treasurer.  So I was still his boss in the student government, and he didn’t like that.  So he spent the whole year trying to make me look bad.  Trying to undermine everything I was doing and saying. At this point, I was already empowered.  I had this phenomenal boyfriend who was still my boyfriend and came from Israel to visit me.  And it made my abuser really really uncomfortable that I was so happy and so strong and sure of myself again.  The whole year had gone by, then one day in April, I was sitting outside reading, and Dave came and sat next to me.  And he asked if we could talk.  I told him I’d prefer not to, but I will.  What do you want?
And he said, “I just wanted to tell you that I ruined you.  And I’m so sorry for everything I did.  I don’t know why I did it. But I am really happy that you found the Israeli guy.  And I wanted to apologize and tell you that I’m really sorry for everything that I did to you.” And I said okay thank you.  And that was it. After that, we were fine. I forgave him.  I didn’t forget, at no point did I forget, and I certainly wasn’t going to go back to him - I knew what I was getting with him. Plus, I was with somebody  so much better.  But it was my sense of closure.  And i knew that it was okay to move on and not hold on to that anymore. And that was huge. Once you forgive, never forget, but once you forgive, you’re taking that power back from them.  When you hold on to that anger and that hatred and that darkness, all you’re doing is fueling their power.
 
So the next year, I transferred to Rowan University in southern NJ, and the Israeli guy and I decided that our distance was too much, and we can stay loving each other, and in a relationship sort of, but we could date other people. It was something that we agreed on and something that we were both comfortable with because it didn’t seem reasonable that while I was in college and he was in the military to hold onto each other like that.
 
That was 7 years ago.  Now I am safe. I wrote two (now 4) best selling books about my abuse, and other survivors of abuse:
Breaking Through the Silence™: The Journey to Surviving Sexual Assault
Breaking Through the Silence™: #Me(n)Too
The Ruhe Approach: Healing From Abuse
The Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy: The 3 Keys to Overcoming Narcissism
 
And I plan on writing a lot more.  I have a ton of stories to share.  I’m an open book.  So ask me anything.
 
Thank you so much for listening to Healing From Emotional Abuse today.  I think that these messages and these stories are so important to get out because our voices need to be heard.  I would love it if you would rate and share this podcast with anybody you think that needs to hear or read this information.
 
Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching.  Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life.  Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy: How To Start Healing

Get Your FREE COPY of  my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Hey Everyone.  My name is Marissa Faye Cohen, my website is MarissaFayeCohen.com, and I wanted to introduce myself before we start on this journey together.  For the past 11 years, I have worked closely with thousands of survivors of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, sexual assault and harassment around the world of all sexualities and genders.  I’ve published three best selling books The Breaking Through the Silence Series, and Healing From Emotional Abuse: the Three Keys for Overcoming Narcissism, all about how to heal from abuse. In these works, I use my 11 years of research and personal life experience to share my philosophy to overcoming narcissism, in order to help other survivors feel relatable, find healthy relationships, and boost confidence. That has become my life mission.  To help as many survivors heal from their emotional abuse as possible.  Between my books, the Breaking Through the Silence series, coaching programs and my Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, I have created a system to help anyone suffering heal from emotional abuse.
 
On this podcast, the goal is to answer the questions and concerns that survivors have in terms of overcoming and healing from their abuse.  Can you heal from abuse? Narcissist definition.  Is my partner a narcissist? Healing from narcissistic abuse. Steps to healing from abuse.  Confidence Exercises. Confidence.  Self Love. and Self Esteem. Healthy Relationships. What are toxic relationships? And much more.
 
I know that what you’re feeling right now is difficult, disheartening and it feels like the pain will never go away.  But it will. I have worked with over a thousand survivors of emotional and narcissistic abuse, and created a philosophy to legitimately healing from emotional abuse. And it can and will help you overcome your narcissism, and live a free, confident and peaceful life.
 
Right now, imagine that you’re standing on a cliff, and across a deep deep canyon, is the happiest version of yourself.  You see yourself smiling, surrounded by healthy relationships and good friendships. You see yourself having fun, and laughing.  What are you doing? I have built the bridge to get you from here, where you’re standing now, to the other side.  All you have to do it let me guide you across the bridge. If you’re ready to feel free raise your fist and say YES! If you’re ready to wear confidence, raise your fist and say YES!  If you’re ready to live peacefully without fear, raise your fist and say YES! Awesome!  You’re ready to start Healing From Emotional Abuse
 
Your abuse doesn’t define you.  It’s the steps you take to heal that will determine the rest of your life.