Page 12 | Healing From Emotional Abuse

Episodes

Wednesday Jun 17, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Jeffrey Epstein Didn't Kill Himself: A Commentary on 'Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich'

Wednesday Jun 17, 2020

Wednesday Jun 10, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Narcissistic Women in Relationships: with Francis Wade

Wednesday Jun 10, 2020

Get Your FREE COPY of my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough. Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation. But it doesn’t have to take years either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entire lives have been impacted by their narcissist. Yours doesn’t have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.
Marissa: Welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse. I am so excited. June is one of my favorite months because I am a pride-freak. I love Pride Month. And so, every week, this month, starting this week, I'm going to bring on an amazing person from the LGBTQ community to help me co-host tell their story, talk about how we can help the LGBTQ community with the people and survivors and champions who are abused, get the help and reassurance that they need. Today, I am thrilled to bring on Francis Wade. She's a musician and an educator. She has been a long-standing fighter for social justice and shedding light to anyone who she can help or represent when their voices aren't being heard. She's a friend to all and constantly acts as a progressive figure in education, the arts and more. Welcome, we're so excited to have you here.

Francis: Thank you so much for having me.

Marissa: Of course. So, let's get started a little bit, would you mind sharing your truth with us?

Francis: So really, it's you know, nothing to extraordinary. Been an artist, my whole life, visual art, music, anything like that. And I would say that's a huge portion of who I am. And I identify as bisexual. And that is really,

Marissa: Okay, that's awesome. So, I'm a big art fan. And I'm super jealous of musicians, because I can't play an instrument to save my life, although I try. So, thank you for being here. Would you tell us a little bit about what you went through?

Francis: Yes, so long story short, I did lose a parent, in my early 20s. And I always identified with that parent, you know, our personalities, things like that were very similar who we were. So, I was about 13, when I was in my first same-sex relationship. You know, it was something where I wasn't really sure because I was young, I was in middle school. And, you know, it ended badly, of course. In high school, I just kind of like, didn't really let that part of me live. So, when I was an adult, and I was going through all this stuff, basically, a very manipulative person, kind of got an inkling about who I was, what I was into. It was like, love bombs, like, I felt like I was seen for the first time, I felt like, I all of me was there. I felt like every piece of me was appreciated. And it got to the point where I was like, okay, maybe this could be a good relationship. I was actually on and off with this one male for about 10 years, you know, high school, middle school college, we ended kind of for good before that. So, when I got into the relationship, there was a lot of pressure where I was kind of still hidden, I didn't really want to be all that open. And that's really who I am in general. I'm a very private person. And I like to kind of keep things to myself. So, whenever we were out, or whenever, like, you know, my family came up, and I wanted to be private, or maybe I wasn't ready to tell this person, they would turn to like, kind of like this game where it was like, “Oh, well, Are you embarrassed by me? You know, you aren’t embarrassed when blah, blah, blah.” And it was very new to me. And like I said, a parent passed. So, I was very vulnerable. And I was like, well, this person sees me, and they like me. And she's constantly like showing me that. So, way before I was ready, I was basically told, you know, you have to tell your other parent. And I only knew this person closely for a couple weeks, really. So maybe about a month. So, I was kind of unsure where it was going. And I didn't want to like jump through that hoop. Because to me, I was like, Well, I don't really know where this is going. I don't know if this is something, I'm even comfortable with. Because again, it's a lot different when you're like 13 kind of unsure. And then you go to being in your mid 20s. You know. So long story short, I told the parent, you would have thought I killed somebody. And I think a lot of people in the community can relate to that. You know, where a parent or even a family member who's like a parent to them is disgusted. They act like you killed somebody. They just say “Oh, so you're gay,” this and that. Like it's one extreme or another. So first it was my family that seemed to turn against me. And, you know, I think they had an inkling that I could be queer. But what really sucks about it is that when it comes to a head and you're open about it, you might not always get the support you need. So that was damaging, because I am very close to my family. And I was never like a problem child. If anything, I was probably the easiest one out of my siblings. So long story short, that definitely put a damper on everything. So, after that, I felt like there was this upper hand that always existed, where “are you embarrassed of me?” And I'd be like, No, you know, if you were out and I saw old friends, “how come you didn't introduce me to them as your girlfriend.” I was like, Listen, like, you’ve been out a long time. I'm like, just getting used to it. And I felt like it was more about her than me. Like, my comfort came second.
So as time went by alcohol was a really big thing. I think no matter what kind of relationship you're in, same sex or not, it's a problem when one person or both drinks. So, our first like big fight, we were out. And I remember I was talking about something I did, as a musician, and I was proud of it. And art, you know, my visual art was also a part of this experience. And it was local. And right away, she was kind of talking down to me, acting like I was exaggerating. “Well, I don't really think you would do something so big like that. And you know, and I wouldn't have known about it,” and knew me like our age is, you know, there was a little gap. I'm trying not to be too specific, but the bottles kept emptying and it turned into, “Oh, well, you probably are lying, you're not really a musician, because you're also on the educater side, you're not torturing." Which I actually did tour around the world before, but whatever. So, the abuse turned more into like, I would question my worth, because any outstanding thing I did for myself, I always needed proof. But I always had to back myself up, I never could be the one in the relationship who, you know, had had accomplishments that outweighed what she was doing. And again, I don't think it's just in the community. So now moving towards the community being bisexual, especially when you're a female, it always was like, “Oh, that's disgusting. Like, you've had men inside you, you've kissed men, you're going to leave me for a man, this and that.” And I think in the community, that's something you do see a lot, being a woman who is bisexual. You're kind of seen as this, like, not fully queer character in this line of their story, or whatever. And that really bothered me because it doesn't mean that I need one or the other. It's not like that. If I meet someone I'm into, I want to stay with them, no matter what. And I think that's very common in those relationships, because she did identify as full-on lesbian. Never been with a male. That's definitely something that seemed to be a problem very openly. And even if I saw like an ex or like a guy friend, "oh, who's that?” you know, and it became very possessive to in some extent.
So, the real abuse started as summer and the weather started warming up, we would go out more. And alcohol was a huge problem, like I said before. So we would go out and she'd always invited me out with her friends. And one night, it was getting close to her birthday. She texted me and said, “Hey, I'm out at this place with these people. Can you come join us?” So, I go sure. So, I get there. And right away, we're talking about like her birthday, things like that. She was saying in front of all her friends. Oh, no one's doing anything for my birthday. She doesn't want to do anything for my birthday. And I had plans, actually. And I was like, hey, like, it was a surprise, you know, right away, it turns into like, Oh, well, you didn't tell me that. I was like, of course, that was a surprise. So then like, again, and even though I nicely intended for something to happen, it turned into this like, “Well, I didn't know about it, so it's not good.” So, we drove to another bar to meet her friends. And I was like, okay, maybe like, if we get out of this one, please, like, get some air, things would be better. So, she starts smoking in my car. I'm severely asthmatic. As you can probably hear my voice. I don't do well when it's humid or anything. So, I said, please don't smoke in my car. And then she's like putting it out on my seat, just like totally disrespecting me. And then she made a comment and goes, you know, you might try to act like the hero and like, you do these nice things for me in front of people. But I'm just saying if I wasn't with you, no one would want to date you. You might be prettier than me. You might be more educated, and you might have a better career than me. Ultimately, no one, you're just a pretty face and no one would put up with you like I do. And, you know, there was so much more that night that was said. So, when we got to the other restaurant, you know, when it's kind of like this time of year, some nights it gets cold. So, it was a weird night, it dropped down to about, I'd say, like, low 40s. And it was kind of random. But anyhow, so when we got to the other bar, she was like, “Oh, you know, you should leave. No one wants you here, blah, blah, blah.” And this was after, you know, the car ride, getting very verbally abused and pushed down. So, I go, you know what, I'm going to leave, and she goes, then leave. So, I left. And then she texted me about an hour later. And this was something she loved doing. But I'll get into that in a minute. She texted me goes, how could you leave and embarrass me like that? All my friends think you're an asshole,” this and that. And it was like, I couldn't win. Either, I had to submit to this abuse constantly and like play it off, like it didn't upset me and sit through it, when like, I really cared about this person. Or, if I did do something to get myself out of it, I was, I was just as bad. You know, I was the bad guy. So, it was like a mind game. If I was with other friends, especially females, I would get accused of cheating. And at the time, I was living kind of far away for work weekends, you know, I would come back to this area and stay there. So Oh, you're sleeping with your friends up there. And like this person's gay. One of my friends actually was pregnant at the time. And she convinced her sister to message my friend and basically outed me to find out like if we had something going on, and my friend was like, Well, I didn't know. Because again, like, she doesn't need to tell me these personal things. And to like, why would you think she was doing something with me, like, I'm pregnant, and my friend actually didn't want anyone to know she was pregnant. But in order to stick up for me, you know, she had to kind of out herself as well, before she was ready. And that's really what a lot of it was. It was control. And when I said like, don’t you think it's messed up that you convinced a sibling to like, pry and stuff. She couldn't see it. So really, it was a lot of narcissism. It was a lot of emotional abuse and physical abuse, I grew up with brothers, they always were being on me. So, you know, when someone gets in my head and messes with me, personally, it's a bit harder. And I think a lot of the reason why I stayed was because this was my first relationship with a same sex person. And I was scared that I was going to get exposed. I was scared that, you know, those restricted calls in the middle of the night, would turn into a Facebook status, because she was drunk and wanted all this build up. She wanted all this, like public attention to me and her. And that was something that scared me. And we were just fundamentally different people. And, you know, she was going through her own stuff at the time, I'm not going to deny that. But I feel like because it was really my first time with someone like that, it affected me differently. And another thing was, you know, with my friends being female, I feel like that always fell into the equation. I couldn't have any female friends. I couldn't have any male friends, because I was Bi. If there's any questions you have, or want me to expand a little more, but that was just a somewhat, but not really brief overview of what I went through.

Marissa: How did this relationship impact future relationships for you?

Francis: So, what's funny is I'm talking about how abusive it was, and things like that. It pushed me down. So, my relationships after that were very similar where I, you know, not to the same degree, it was a lot of myself wasn’t in it. I would drive an hour to me, my partner. I would not care if they hurt me. I would let them dump me and take me back when I knew I would just get left again. And it was kind of like a string of behavior that just wasn't really, I guess a good way to say it is I just felt like, I didn't know that I deserved better. I didn't see value in myself. And it was a long-term effect, where last year and again, this is years later, I was in a relationship where I was being cheated on and I even that I was like, “No, it's okay, you know, like we can get through it.” And now that I am in a healthy relationship, I look back and I'm just like, how did I not see my work? How did I not know that this wasn't okay for me, how did I let a series of relationships happen where I was being, you know, they weren't caring about me. I was being neglected. I was being ignored. I was being mistreated. And I think a lot of people don't realize that you really do reach this point where you feel low. You feel like you're undeserving of better things, and you kind of settle, is the way to put it.

Marissa: That's a really good way to put it actually, I think a lot of people, it happens to so many people, we have this abuser who demeans us, and belittles us and convinces us that we're worthless. And then we take that and run with it. It impacts every part of our lives, it impacts our confidence level, it impacts our self talk, and it impacts our choices. So that's a really good point that you made. Thank you.

Francis: And a lot of it was physical to you know, she coerce me into acts I didn't want to do. And it always was like, “Oh, are you not attracted to me? Because I'm not a guy?” And I was like, No. There were times where she would get physical. I remember, one time, I was tickling, or trying to cheer her up and just be light about something. And she actually put her knees on my legs and held my arms down and said, you know, you might be stronger than me and do sports and work out, but I could take you. And I was like, oh my God. We got in a fight one time. And I drove over, from an hour away at like, 4am to try to fix it and brought food and she just like, threw it. When you're younger, you're a lot less likely to stand up for yourself. And this was, again, my first relationship. So that sort so I mean, you know, it was like a control thing. And I think sometimes in these settings, you know, it's not that you don't know better. It's just sometimes when you feel like you're being seen for the first time, you're afraid you're going to lose that with your identity. And I also think that had a huge factor in, in sticking by my toxic partner.

Marissa: So, you brought up a couple interesting points. But before I lose it out of my mind, I really liked how you just said, the fear of losing yourself is something that really held you to her. What do you mind expanding on that a little bit? Because I find that so interesting.

Francis: Yeah, sure. There was actually a meme floating around funny enough. And, you know, I didn't really come out or mentioned that part of myself till I was in my mid 20s. I'm older now. But so, what happened was, when I kind of came out and started letting that little part of myself live, I felt like because she was my partner, because she knew that it was hard for me. And sometimes she was supportive. You know, that's the thing with narcissists. Sometimes they're everything you need, and more other times, It's like Jekyll and Hyde, you know. So, I felt like those pieces of myself going back to that meme I saw where it's like, you kind of have to select and present these parts of yourself that fit society and fits everyone around you. And you have to hide parts of yourself. So being seen for the first time, it was like, this thing that I felt like in the past, I had to hide this thing I felt like didn't exist. You know, in college, I only did in males. I didn't even tell people, you know, my closest friends didn't even know because I just felt like, from when I was younger, the way my parents asked, oh, you must be gay because you can't keep a boyfriend. It was it was like the first relationship or I didn't have to think about that. And I was unforgivably myself. I was able to be who, you know, this half of me is without anyone saying anything in that relationship. Or when I was with males, you know, they kind of had a jist. It was like, oh, you’re going to leave me for a girl. And that's something I find with bisexuality is sometimes, you know, whatever gender you're with, will compare themselves to the other. So even though she would make rude comments and say things like, oh, you're going to leave me for a man. There was also this other side of it, where it was like, Oh, well, I know, it must be hard, because you only dated men. Things like that. And I could talk about these things. And it was like the other side. You know, it wasn't a man talking about what if you were a female type of thing? It was, yeah, I know, you've only been with men. But in this relationship, it's a little more emotionally invested. It's a little more mentally. You're more locked in with sometimes with males, you know, might feel more physical. Or you might go to your female friends for those talks. So, it’s more emotional, you know. Whatever points where it's almost like you're dating your best friend, but, you know, you're both not straight. So, I would say, I felt very seen because of that, and parts of myself that I hid for, like 25-26 years were there. And that's, that's really what it was.

Marissa: I really appreciate that. I think that that's so important, especially for somebody who grows up, not in like a very supportive household for the LGBTQ community. To have that support, where you're seen and you're heard and you're acknowledged as you as 100% completely you but it still needs to be a healthy relationship.

Francis: One thing about me is, I was you know, my, my childhood could be rough at times, and I was always been having brothers. I was always pushed to be tough. I was always pushed to not cry because It wasn't practical, it wasn't rational to cry. Why are you whining? So, I think that for the first time, I felt vulnerable, and that it was okay to feel vulnerable. And unfortunately, sometimes, like you were saying. When, when you are allowing yourself to be seen when you are like, your true colors are there, it's awful, because sometimes the wrong person will see that and jump all over it. And say like, Okay, I got it in this person's vulnerable this, and, you know, going through what I went through earlier that year, or maybe it was a year before, I don't remember, but um, it turned into one of those things where it was like a perfect opportunity for this narcissistic person, abusive person to really jump in and take control. Like, it's like being a puppet. It felt that way.

Marissa: Right? I have a suspicion or a hunch, if you will, that abusers, they have like, these radar glasses, right? And they can see who's emotionally vulnerable. And those are their targets. They like to target people that that yeah, that show that emotional vulnerability.

Francis: Yep, exactly. And it first it was like, Oh, that's so beautiful. Like, you know, you're this artist person. You're so deep. And it was like a love and I always say the term “love bomb.” You know, they saw it, they see you for you, they make you feel like, the things that maybe they knew you were uncomfortable with in the past are now like this treasure they have. But then in the same breath, it's like, oh my gosh, like you can be so dramatic, and you feel too much. And then you're like, but that was the very thing I thought you liked. So, whenever we get in fights, and I will come over in the middle of the night or like, I would get those FaceTime messages, because, you know, she wanted to make sure no one was in the room with me. Oh, well turn your phone that way. Let me see. are they hiding behind the bed go over there? It was almost a feeling like it made me just free sometimes. If I was out with other friends, I would get these restricted calls in the middle of the night. And if I didn't answer, I called you. Why didn't you answer? And I'd be like, Well, I didn't know it was you? Of course, it was me. How do you not know? And I'm like, because it was restricted. There are these expectations too, where it's like, you don't know what part of yourself to be. So, what's so funny is at the same time, I'm saying how seen I felt this and that. But then it was like these mind tricks. They were so exhausting. When the relationship ended, it was about a year, little less maybe. I told some of my friends, I feel like I lost a year in my life. Because it was just so exhausting. And I was just tired.

Marissa: Thank you so much for sharing all that. I really appreciate it. So, I want to talk about your family a little bit. How does family support play a role in healing from toxic relationships as an LGBTQ member?

Francis: You mean like from that relationship?

Marissa: And yeah, so yeah. So, you said that your family wasn't very supportive of you. And that probably impacted, Or did it impact you healed? Or who you communicated to?

Francis: Yes. And I know you're saying healed, but that's kind of the funny thing. So, while I was going through all this trauma, your family member who you I would say, you know, if you're lucky, a lot of people do use their family to heal them. And their family is who they go to when things are wrong. Where, because this relationship wasn't really approved, I felt like I couldn't talk about it. It was very awkward. It was very tense all the time. And, you know, maybe there was some sort of feeling that it was unhealthy. And it wasn't talked about, I don't know. Again, I was younger, by a lot of years. So, you know, it was like this grown person kind of was with me. And I knew that was concerning. But regardless, so whenever I was hurt, or I was sad, or I was scared that she was going to come to my house and like try to pick a fight with me, I couldn't really go to anybody. So, it was really just you're alone. You're by yourself. And you're not seen. You're not represented by anyone who knows you super well inside and out. So, a lot of healing was self-healing. I could say that a lot of it was from friends. And for anyone who is in a situation like this, even if it's not with a relationship, and feels alone there are even Facebook groups for these sorts of things. And I would say a lot of it came from outside sources. And I've made really amazing friends and allies along the way. And even strengthen some of my friendships who I talked to, for the first time about these things. Because, you know, when you're with a narcissistic person, and they want to be seen by everybody, they want all your close friends to know about them. It turned into like my close friends saw what was happening. And when I told them, they kind of took me under their wing and the fact I could show them my vulnerable side and how hurt I was. I really felt like that actually strengthened some relationships and when the relationship ended, I talked to my family a little bit and I kind of felt like I was back and things were starting to feel normal. And then of course, at the time, my now ex was saying, oh, they're just happy or not with a female, like, it has nothing to do with me. So, I would say as far as healing goes, reaching out to friends, things like that, really is what helped me. And it sucks, because you'll look back and think, Well, my family wasn't there. But sometimes you find your family along the way.

Marissa: I'm a true deep believer that your family isn't always your blood, especially in situations with homophobes or people who are Anti-LGBTQ. And then they have a child who identifies as LGBTQ. Unfortunately, that's not your real family. Your real family, to me is your Heart Family. It's the people who, like you said, who have your back and who you can be vulnerable around, and who you can tell your stories to, and will support you no matter what.

Francis: It's not so much even that my own family was anti-LGBTQ, but it was really more so that it was their child. And that's another thing, you know, you can have a very progressive, very supportive parent, if you look at today's world, Black Lives Matter, you know, it's there's a lot of attention to race and things like that. And luckily, that's something we all agree on in my intermediate family is, there has been this treatment and all sorts of things. Whereas with the gay pride, my parents, they always had gay friends, transgender friends, drag queen friends, never really anything that was negative until I existed in my full self. I can definitely say to it's, it's different when it's their own child, sometimes.

Marissa: That's an interesting point. I've actually, never really, I guess, I don't have children. But I've never noticed that or heard about that, that people who support the LGBTQ community can't fathom or can't support their child who identifies that so foreign to me.

Francis: Yeah, and that's, that's another thing too, sometimes, because it is complicated, you know. And some parents, they might go to therapy, they might be very open about figuring it out, and then some depending just on their makeup, they might not. And as time passed more of an open thing that, you know, I wouldn't say it's talked about a lot, it's still kind of awkward, but I can say that it's definitely gotten better. You know, if it comes up, it's not tense, it's not negative, it might not be positive. And that's another thing too, I think is you got to give people who might not accept it credit, because at the end of the day, your family, most of the time loves you. And for anyone out there listening, I can say that it's, it's scary. You're going to have to live with what happens like for me, I'm so horrified. But at the end of the day, especially now that I'm older, I can tell you, it's going to be they want you happy. And it is an interesting angle, because you it's hard to understand how someone can say they're supportive and say they're an ally, but then their own child or close family member, it does get complicated. And that's what I can say, you know, you can't say someone's a bad person, because it's, it's hard for them to, but at the same time, you do have to be true to you.

Marissa: Absolutely. That's such a good point. What do you think that the survivor and champion community, people who have been through this, what can we do to be more inclusive, educational and spread awareness to the LGBTQ community that this happens and that we're here for you? How can we make it not as a generalized?

Francis: Yeah, well, you know, like, and even telling what happened I can definitely say there are generalizations a narcissist is a narcissist and an abuser, abuser. What I mean, but it's, it really is not black and white. And I think to answer your question, a big part of it is definitely recognizing some of the challenges we face day to day we're not seeing we're often uncomfortable in our own skin, even if we are in a relationship that suits our attractions. And I think a lot of it is understanding the different facets that come along with that. Maybe it is your first time feeling seen. Maybe it's your first relationship of that sort. And you're going to ignore some red flags because you finally get a chance to feel yourself. And that's a huge thing. And I think another thing is talking about it. As an artist, as an educator, I'm in a lot of situations where like, it could be about race, religion. It could be about different types of music, it can be about different art styles, and they're things that I might not identify with, or really relate to. But what I've found is you have to be willing to educate yourself and understand you can comfortably talk about things without it always being negative. You know, it's okay to be ignorant. It's okay to ask questions. As long as you're not making it malicious, and if you are, it's important that the person answering the questions understands people won’t always know how to ask things. And sometimes we're so quick to be negative and think someone has a negative streak to what they're saying. A lot of people say, oh, who’s the guy / who's the girl? And sometimes you just got to say, listen, liberals are both women. Or, oh, she's dating a male now. So, she's straight, right? Where you have to see people for who they are, you have to understand, like I said, there's parts of you that will show when you're in different kinds of relationships. So, I would say my advice would be to listen, put yourself in their shoes. If it's uncomfortable, it's not bad. Sometimes learning is very uncomfortable. You know what I mean? Think of like a butterfly in a cocoon. It's dark, it's probably cold in there, but they come out beautiful. The world is theirs. So, I always say like, when it comes to learning and trying to assist people, do more listening, ask questions, and don't jump to conclusions. Right now, in the world, there are so many conversations that needed to happen that are happening now. There are so many people that are showing their support for each other. And I'm not lumping the two together, but I'm just going to say the way we can progress as a large group is by talking about uncomfortable things. And going there. And it's awkward. It might be a lot. But in the end, you know, it's kind of what they say, what side, do you want to be on of this? Do you want to be uninformed? Do you want to continue what's comfortable? Or do you want to grow? And I think even for me talking about this, you know. I've been very to myself about a lot of things, especially the abuse I faced, you know, I know people had it, way worse than me. But I kind of compartmentalize it, because, you know, you hear these horror stories of women being beat, raped all sorts of awful things. And to me, it was more emotional and it would get physical at times. But I think even expressing like, why it hurts so much. We'll teach people a lot. And everyone has a different story. So, I think even if you don't feel like it's worth sharing, just share it. Because people can relate to you. And I would say that's the biggest thing is just have these conversations And listen.

Marissa: That's one of the things that I really love to share is you never know who's listening. So, like, share your story, talk about what happened to you, because you could be helping somebody without knowing, and that we grow in discomfort, I really appreciate that you brought that up.

Francis: It's true, you know, and especially as an artist. You have to put yourself out there and sometimes there's parts of yourself you're so proud of and you want recognition for what you created, or what you presented to the world. And people you know, they don't bat an eye at it. And other times when you're not even trying your hardest, they see you and that's all it can take is just like one little thing. For me even just being able to talk about it. If one person listens to this, and it's like, oh, wow, she made a good point. Even if it's something dumb, I said, that's really what it's about is just don't be afraid to be there for people.

Marissa: Thank you so much for sharing all this amazing information. You're so insightful and so inspiring. And I appreciate you being here. Thank you so much, Francis, your insight was incredible. And I'm sure you're going to help a ton of people. Happy Pride and we'll chat next week.

If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

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Sunday Jun 07, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Racial Injustice and Trauma in the Black Community

Sunday Jun 07, 2020

Wednesday Jun 03, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Family Healing: With Orsika

Wednesday Jun 03, 2020

Wednesday May 27, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Jack Canfield on How to Overcome Childhood Emotional Abuse

Wednesday May 27, 2020

Get Your FREE COPY of my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough. Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation. But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entire lives have been impacted by their narcissist. Yours doesn’t have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.

Marissa: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Healing From Emotional Abuse. Today, I'm thrilled to be introducing our inspirational guest. The incredible, Jack Canfield, America's number one success coach and the New York Times bestselling author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series and The Success Principles. Jack Canfield has inspired millions of people worldwide to take control of their lives, and he's here today to tell us exactly how to do that and even better how to join our team. Hi, Jack Canfield! Thank you so much for being here.

Jack Canfield: My pleasure to be with you. Thanks for inviting me.

Marissa: Oh, of course. So, one of the things that you like to talk about in your seminars is your childhood experiences. So, are you comfortable sharing a little bit about what you endured as a child?

Jack Canfield: Sure, no, no problem. I grew up in West Virginia, primarily. My first father was in the Air Force, and he was an alcoholic. He got very violent when he drank. And my mother was someone who gave into that.In other words, she was not real protective of me. And I don't blame her for that, you know, he was violent with her as well. So I got hit a lot as a child. I got threatened a lot. I don't have a lot of memories. I think I probably suppressed them. Some come back in therapy in different times in my life.

I can remember one night where and he said he was standing in the doorway of my bedroom, and he had a 45 pistol - the kind that the military gives you. And he said, “If you don't stop crying, I'm going to shoot you.” And I mean, that was, you know, emotionally pretty scary. We used to have these old radios if you’ve ever seen him in a movies. They came up about this high, and they go down to the floor, and it looks like just a little dial. And then there's a big console below where it was mostly hollow, like a big piece of furniture. When he drank, I used to go in there and hide,when I was small enough. When my dad was drinking, if he found me there, he usually had a belt, he would take his belt out and you know, just go crazy.

So, I became what's called hyper-vigilant. Most people that have been abused are hyper vigilant. You notice little things, like, if an ashtray is off by three inches on the table, that might upset my dad. The benefit of that is a maybe a good point guard and basketball. And he made me a good end, I could fake see where things were happening. I had great peripheral vision and knowing what was going on, but it also left me very anxious. Always on edge, you know? And it's taken a long time for me to get beyond that. I have through therapy and Young Living Essential Oils, lots of different things I've used in my life. But it was I was always on edge. Now my mom divorced my first father when I was about six and we went to live with my grandmother for a number of years. And so, the violence stopped. But then my mom married my stepfather. And my stepfather was a big spanker, as well.

I remember one day, there was a movie I wanted to go see. I think it was like 11, and I wanted to go see this movie. I'd seen the preview and it looked like a really cool movie about Jim Thorpe. He was the first Native American professional football player or college football player, whatever it was, and I just liked the preview. And so that Saturday, we were supposed to go to a picnic and I knew all the adults were just going to drink and get drunk and I didn’t like some of the other kids that much - they were the daughters and sons of some of my parent’s friends who were also alcoholics. So, I snuck out of the house, I went down to this park where I could pump water, there was an old pump. And these women who were more into holistic health, they would bring these gallon apple cider jars and I would pump water in them and I'd carry them to their house and they’d give me a nickel. And back then the movies only cost 20 cents. And you could buy a candy bar for a nickel and popcorn for a dime. And so I made about 40 cents and I went to the movie. So, I'm about 20 minutes in a movie and I hear over the loudspeaker, “Will Jack Canfield Canfield please report to the box office.” I thought oh my god, that's got to be my dad because he knew I wanted to go that movie. So, there was an exit door in the front of the theatre, which I figured I'll just sneak out of there and my dad won't see me and I snuck out the exit door and sure enough, there is my dad at the exit door. He took me home made me pull my pants down, took out a hairbrush - I remember the back of it, you know which is big, long plastic part and just whip the hell out of my butt. And I remember I refused to cry. I was not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. And it was only last November. I was in a seminar down in Ecuador. And I actually cried and I think I had suppressed my crying since I was 11. I'm 75. And finally, I let that out. And I all these tears came, I didn't cry when my mother died. I didn't cry when friends of mine had died. It was always like very spiritual, they're just going into another dimension, you know. And so, I think that was another cost, if you will, of my childhood physical abuse.

Marissa: That's so common. And thank you so much for sharing all of that. I feel like the experiences you have really, really shape you. Like you said, it caused your anxiety and it, you know, walled off your, I don't know, ability to feel but like your willingness to show emotion to grief. Right?

Jack Canfield: Right. To be that vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah. Be out of control in a sense. Yeah,

Marissa: Exactly. That's the thing, we lose control of us of our bodies in our surroundings. So, we grab for control everywhere, and anywhere that we can get it. So, thank you, again, so much for sharing that story. What I really love about you as a human being, but also your story is that from what you've gone through, you were able to build yourself back up into this complete and strong and inspirational human being that just wants to give back. So, do you mind telling us a little bit about you writing Chicken Soup for the Soul and the Success Principles and becoming the successful person that you are?

Jack Canfield: Well, it all started when I became a high school teacher back in the 1970s. And I literally became more interested in why my students weren't motivated to learn than I was in teaching history. And so, I started looking at motivation. How do you motivate people? How do you make them believe in themselves, self esteem, things like that. And eventually, I became a teacher of the year and then I started teaching other teachers. And then I started what I realized its, and why this is relevant was, when I was a teacher, when I was telling a story to the students what it was about something that happened in my life that weekend, or something had happened in the life of an African American, (I was teaching in an all-black school), some African-American and American history, like George Washington Carver or Booker T. Washington, or Frederick Douglass, he was the first black ambassador to Jamaica, he was an escaped slave. And you know, so anyway, I tell these stories, and the kids would be absolutely on the edge of their seat.
And then when I was teaching historical facts, you know, the seven causes of the Civil War and the three exports, that they weren't, they didn't care. And so I early on, learned that stories were very powerful. And so, all through my teaching, whether it was teaching teachers teaching the general public, I would use stories to illustrate the principles that I was teaching. And remember, there was about a 30-day period where every talk I gave someone would come up to me and say, their story about the puppy, you said that story about the Girl Scout has sold $3000 in Girl Scout cookies, send the book anywhere my daughter needs to read it, my staff needs to hear. And I would say no. And it was like, you know, bang, bang, bang, the universe was telling me put the stories in a book. So, I remember I was coming home on a flight from Boston one night to LA where I was living at the time. I live in Santa Barbara now about 90 minutes north. And I was like, just, well, how many stories do I know? So, I started listing them all, you know, like the boy scout story, the Kilimanjaro story, the puppy story. And I had about 70 stories. I thought, well, that's enough for a book. So, I made a commitment to write two stories a week. And then at the end of the year, I'd have you know, close to 100 stories. And along the way, Mark, Victor Hansen, and I had breakfast one day, and he said he wanted to write the book with me. And we agreed to do that. And so that's how it came to be. And what was fortunate was at the end of that first book, you know, when they print a book, they have these web pages that go by really quickly, like the newspapers you see in the movies are always going around. And other than when they're showing the movie, the newspapers in print. But at the end of the book, often they take those big white pages, they fold them a bunch of times, and then they make these things that they cut. And there's two or three blank pages. And our publisher said you have some blank pages at the back. Would you like to print anything there? And I said, give me 10 minutes, because that's all I had. I said more stories. I said, if you have a story, send it in, maybe we'll do a sequel. Well, within a year, we started getting 500 stories a week, people were sending and now they weren't all good. But there was enough to do a Second Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul, a Third Serving, a Fourth Course, a Fifth Bowl, Sixth Pot, you know, whatever. And then we started doing niche books, Chicken Soup for the Women’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, etc. And that's how that took off. And, you know, one story that most people don't know is that we were turned down by 144 publishers over the course of 14 months. Everyone said no - stupid title, no one reads short story collections, etc. And so, it was 145th publisher who finally said yes, and I'd like to say and the rest was history, but it wasn't we didn't hit the bestseller list for another 14 months. We did something called the rule of five where every day, we made five phone calls, send out five letters, send out five free books, whatever to get books out there, you know? Called Five radio stations to see if they would interview us, etc. And eventually, there was a kind of a point at which it took off on its own, that people would read the book, tell their friends, they would tell their friends and daughters and buy books for their sales team. And at first book went on to sell over 10 million copies and the whole franchise and then took off. The Success Principles occurred because by the time we were super successful, and I bought a big house and was living in Santa Barbara, my son was about 11 at the time and he was I think, about six when the book came out. And we're lying-in bed one morning, on a Saturday morning, and he's on his computer playing a video game, and I'm in my computer, just probably answering emails or something. And he said, Dad, how come we live in a bigger house than all my friends. And I said, Well, we've been more successful. Why? So, I sold a lot of books, best selling author. Well, how’d you do that? And we just had this conversation which led down to, “Well, I live my life by this set of principles that I call the principles for success.” And he said, what are they? So, I started to tell him, and you know, like, 11-year-old, after a while, he got bored with it. He went back to his video game, and I kept writing down all these principles. And at the end of that had been an hour and a half, I had 114 principles that I had lived my life by. You know tell the truth faster, take action and ask for what you want, affirm, visualization, you know, respond to feedback, you know, whatever. And so, then I thought, well, that might make a good book. Then I started writing all these up, and I realized 114 was way too many. So, we narrowed it down to 64. And that's what became the first success principles book.

Marissa: That's an awesome story. And I think what I like most is that the underlying theme is that nothing comes easy. And anything that comes easy takes work. And that's sort of like healing from emotional abuse, right? You know, when you start healing, it's super painful, you cry, you experienced the emotions that you've suppressed or repressed, over however long it had been. But you ultimately triumph because you keep trying, and the more you push, and the more work you put into it, the more you get out of it.

Jack Canfield: I think that's true, I always tell people that, you know, the only place that success becomes before work is in a dictionary, you know, S before W. The reality is there's work to do, if everything was easy, we'd all be thin, we'd all be happy, we'd all be you know, enlightened, we'd all be wealthy, you know, whatever. Not the case, there is work to do. And it doesn't matter where you start, one of the great joys of Chicken Soup for the Soul was collecting all these stories of people who were born into poverty, people who lost limbs, people who had had PTSD from the military, people like myself, who you know, had childhood trauma, etc. But they overcame it because they were willing to do the work, whether it was therapy, whether it was learning the skills they needed for their profession, whether it was taking risks by going out and speaking or trying to make a sale or asking for support, whatever it might have been. You know, I didn't know this until about two years ago, Howard Schultz, who started Starbucks was turned down by 217 banks and investors before someone would lend him money to start the first Starbucks. And what if he'd stopped after 100? We'd all be drinking Nescafe or something.

Marissa: It's true. And I love that because it really shows that you know, the more work you put in, the more you get out. And if you really believe that you can do it, you keep trying, and again, it goes back to healing. It really stinks at first. And it's really hard because you're reliving all these horrible things and trying to avoid ruminating on these traumatic events. But once you push past that, and really start to see the light and you heal, you start to feel better. It all becomes worth it. And then you just keep trucking.

Jack Canfield: Yeah, one of my favorite phrases is, “Suffering is optional, but pain is required.” Meaning that you don't have to live a lifetime of suffering as most of us do, because we've never healed our childhood wounds, or some of them are adult ones, but a lot of them are from childhood. But there's pain you know, I mean, giving birth to a baby is painful, but the joy that comes from having given birth to their child raising their child and watching a child grow up and become successful and fulfilled and content, happy and productive citizen etc. nothing matches that starting a business is really difficult. I've started three of them in my life and for a long time you're going down the runway in the plane never seems like it's going to take off. There's a lot of work a lot of late nights and a lot of failures and challenges and things that don’t work, but eventually the plane does take off and you know after a while you get to 35,000 feet you level often there's much less gravity there's much less air resistance up there, and I can kind of coast a little bit. So I'm going to level in my life now with all the fame I have, and all the credibility, and the trust the people have given me etc. I get a lot of offers to do things that don't require me to do as much because people are willing to do more to be able to play with me. And so that wasn't true when I was 30 years old when I was, you know, 35. The same thing is true with anything when you started, you know, the first book I wrote, was very, very difficult because I didn't know what I was doing. But the second one was easier because I now have a template in my mind for how you do that. And so, the same thing is true with healing, as you said, there's a lot of painful memories that have to be re-experienced. But you know, one of the things today, we have so many technologies now with EFT and neuro linguistic programming, (NLP) and aroma therapy, and all these things that can actually accelerate and facilitate those healing processes. So, it doesn't have to be as painful as it might have been 20 years ago, when we didn't have these technologies.

Marissa: Absolutely. I think that therapies have really increased. And there are a lot of things what I really want to talk to you about Young Living Essential Oils, because it's something that both of us are really passionate about. We're on a team together about it. And I'm really excited for your feelings challenge on June 1. So, tell me a little bit about how the essential oils have helped you how you kind of got involved in it.

Jack Canfield: Yeah, well, I was something up until about three months ago, I thought essential oils, I didn't even get to hear the word essential oils, like I'd go to the spa. And someone would say, “Here, smell these three things Eucalyptus, Lavender, and Lemon. Which one would you like in your diffuser? Which one would you like in your oil when you’re getting a massage?” And I’d say, “Well, what's the difference?” Well, this one's relaxing, this one's calming, this one will wake you up, you know, whatever? And that was all I knew. And, and then last October, I was doing one of our retreats and you know, you were there. Basically, what happened was the woman came and she was into essential oils. And she said, hey, you're about to do this process where you go back, and we are going to identify a limiting belief that you took on between the ages of three and eight years old. And she said, you know, if we use these essential oils, it can be easier and faster and more effective. And I went really? She said, Yeah, so she had us all like rubbing these oils on and smelling them and everything. And you know, I'm thinking this a little weird at first, but you know, I'm always willing to play along. And sure enough, a lot of people went faster and deeper and had great experiences. And then throughout the rest of the seminar, you know, we're doing life purpose for people. We're rubbing Clarity and smelling that and Inner Child, and Joy, and Peace and Calming and all these things. And I was learning Lavender is calming and Peppermint wakes you up. And so anyway, very cool. And like everything, you learn something and then if it's not reinforced very quickly, you kind of forget about it. So, you know, I come home, November, December, January, I'm not thinking much about this because those Christmas is coming up and all that. And then in February, I went to India to an Areavetti Centre, where we were changing our diet to a plant-based diet and I was on a weight loss thing I'd lost 15 pounds. My wife and I did a lot of detoxing. And we had a great time there with people we got steam baths every day and massages, and detoxing and enemas and all this stuff was great. And then we come home the Coronavirus takes over and there's this big pandemic in the world. And all of a sudden, it's like oh my God, my business, which is putting on live trainings. And now we're being told by the state of California, you can't have meetings of more than 50 people. And then a couple weeks later, more than 10 people that it was no meetings in hotels. Hotels were all like, you know, going crazy. We were going crazy. We had all this money to return to people if we didn't figure out some way to pivot and do those trainings online, which we've done pretty well doing that. I've delivered some online keynote speeches now. But anyway, at that time was like oh my god, and I was really wanting to make sure my immune system was strong so that they wouldn't get anything. In that process, I was reintroduced to the essential oils, and started learning about how they could enhance the immune system, how they could calm people down in the midst of chaos and fear, which was rampant in our society. And in my own company, Alice, who you know, is my sales director and she was freaking out. She had to call up all these people and tell them we're cancelling this training. Fear was everyone's going to ask for their money back. How do we pivot those people into an online training and Anyway, she started using Valor which is one of our oil blends, which she just basically she put it into a diffuser, which then puts it up in the air so you’re inhaling it, and rubbing it in her hands, like you were just doing. I have Valor right here somewhere on my table.
And that I use Lavender when I go to bed at night. I use Inner Child - a blend that makes you get into your inner child - I've been working all week. And I just said I want to go to my wife and be young and playful for the evening. And so, it’s just so amazing these oils actually impact your emotions.

They impact your state of consciousness, your state of being and they also help with your wellness. So we started getting into this and started using them. And then all of a sudden, I was reintroduced to the income potential, the fact that you could, you know, enhance your income and eventually even move toward financial freedom. And I was at the point thinking, if we don't pivot our company successfully, I don't want to fire my staff, they've been with me 25 years, 35 years with Patty, 10 years with almost everyone. And, you know, we're talking about payroll protection plans, and all this kind of stuff, are we going to get a loan? We don't know. And I thought if I could find another way to supplement their income, so that if we did have to cut everyone salary, instead of fire, everybody, people would still have an alternative source of income. So basically, the network marketing opportunity that came with the essential oils was an opportunity to do that. So literally everyone in my company, all 12 employees, and two of my consultants who are not employees, but do a lot of work for us, Kathleen Seeley, who you know, and also women who have thought of our copywriting, we sign them up as well. And we've all been engaged in this now for two months. We've been very successful at it. And our lives are changing in terms of, my wife said to me this morning, “You have been the calm, the most loving, the most non-reactive I've ever seen you in your life.” And I realized this because every day I'm putting these oils on in the morning. There's one called White Angelica, which it sounds woo-woo as hell, I would have said you're crazy three months ago, that actually puts a protective aura around you, it doesn't allow you to be affected by other people's emotions. At night, we're putting Lavender on our feet, and we're sleeping through the night. Whereas before, I would wake up in the middle of the night, and she would wake up in the middle of night, we don't do that anymore. She used to have Restless Leg Syndrome. Now, her legs don’t twitch when she falls asleep or in the middle of the night. That's been wonderful for us. And I have discovered, this is so cool about oils and why they work, is that every oil has a frequency just like every color. Like the color of your shirt is reflecting a certain frequency of light, my shirts reflecting a different frequency. And so, every oil has a frequency that relates to either an emotion or a feeling state. Or it can relate to the same vibration, like your liver has a certain frequency. So, there's certain oils, if you put it over your liver, helps your liver be healthier, helps it balance out what it does, its functions so forth. So, I've been studying all this and but just blown away by it. Also, many of the oils have what we call a free radical, they help get rid of the oxygen that's for roaming around the free radicals that cause problems in the body. And then the emotional part. And this is why I think you and I got so excited about it is that literally, if you've had emotional trauma in your life, these oils, there's a kit called a Feelings Kit. And in this kit comes with a bunch of oils, I can open it up really quickly. One of theme’s missing because I'm using it. I have two of these and I ran out of one oil, because I was using it so much.

And what we're doing in the month of June is we're going to do this what we call Emotional Reset or Feelings Challenge. Were starting in June, every day, you will apply these six oils to your body in the morning and again at night. And what happens they go in through the skin. And within 20 minutes, this is the part that just blows me away and this is pure science, the atomic mass unit of the atoms that are in these essential oils are so small, (I don't want to get too scientific. But there's this thing called Dalton's atomic mass units. Anything under 300 or 400 can go through the brain blood barrier and affect the brain.) And all these essential oils are 300 atomic mass units or smaller, which means they all go in effect the neuroreceptors in the brain. So, within 20 minutes, every cell in your body has 40,000 molecules of this essential oil from one drop, you have 100 million trillion cells in your body, there's 4000 million trillion cells of atoms of essential oil one drop. And so literally, they penetrate your entire body. So, every cell in your body within 20 minutes from your brain to your liver, your kidney has 40,000 atoms of this essential oil with this frequency and this vibration either on it or in it within 20 minutes, which is just astounding. What else can do that? You know, so it's pretty amazing to me. So anyway, we're going to be doing this challenge and what will happen is that the emotional system if you will in the body begins to normalize itself over time through the oils because the oils have a cumulative effect. For the people that are following you, this is really useful in terms of helping them to go to greater inner peace, greater joy, greater calmness, greater equanimity, all the things that we all want, as opposed to, you know, experiencing the effects of the childhood trauma.

Marissa: Totally, no, thank you so much. I mean, that was a lot of information. And to sum it up really, really short. The thing I love most about essential oils, especially Valor, it's funny that you pointed that out because that is, by far my favorite one, is your Hippocampus, the memory center of your brain is directly connected to your nose. So, smells bring up much more vivid memories. There's my Valor, that's my baby. I have four bottles of it right next to me at all times. So, when you smell something, it triggers a memory in your brain. And so, these essential oils are fabulous Because when you think of something so negative, and then associate it with something so positive, you're pretty much rewriting your brain. And you're allowing your brain and your body to release that memory. There's a blend that I really like, and I use with all my coaching clients called Release, which is part of the Feelings Kit. And it's really, really good for releasing that trauma and like breaking down those walls and allowing yourself to be open to the healing journey and everything that's coming towards you to help make your life better.

www.marissafayecohen.com/oils

Jack Canfield: Yeah, the other thing we're going to do, too, every month, at least for the first next three or four months, we've scheduled this out, is in June, we're doing the Feelings Kit. In July, the current plan is to do what's called the Perfect Day Plan where literally with certain oils, you put them on in the morning, and your whole day goes better. And my wife and I experimented with that for a week and it was true. This we were kind of in a state of joy most of the day. And then we're going to do a Dr. Perkis, who invented this thing called the Aroma Freedom Technique, which is very much like what I described the exercise we do in my training. But with oils, we're going to do that probably in August and then each month we'll have a focus of something we want to focus on. One of the oils, what it does for you, and how it can affect your life. So, I'm really thrilled with this. And as a person who's always looking, how can we go further and faster with less effort, that's always what I'm looking for.

I mean, I used to have people 300 people in a workshop with towels, beating chair screaming, you know, F*** You! and stuff to get rid of all this anger that they might have had from their childhood abuse. And then we discovered the Sedona Method and so you could just basically let the feeling be they're open to experience it fully let it go. Then we discovered tapping, which I liked even better. We started tapping these emotions away the five-minute phobia cure, getting rid of phobias in five minutes or less, and fear and all that kind of stuff. And then I discovered oils, oils are even quicker along with these other techniques. So, I mean, maybe someday we'll find something and you just basically swallow a pill and you've been enlightened. I don't know if that'll ever happen, but I'll sell it if it does.

Marissa: Oils are pretty close. I mean, I use Valor every day when I wake up. And I have the most confidence I've had in 10 years.

Jack Canfield: Yeah, no, Alice, she was telling us when she had to call up all these people and tell them that our training had been cancelled. And she was worried that we're all going to like disappear and take their deposits with them and bankrupt our company. And she was using valor about every two hours all through the day just to make those calls. And she said, “I was so scared in the morning and after valor I wasn’t and if anything started to come back, I would do it again.” And she said, “Now this is my go-to oil.” We just did our first Facebook live together this morning. And she was a little nervous. Again, she did valor and we had an amazing Facebook Live, it was so cool.

Marissa: That's awesome. I was on it for like the last half of it. So, I am really excited that you and I are partnered for this challenge. And for the Feelings Challenge, and with the essential oils. I think that that's amazing. And I would love for anyone who's interested in joining our team and getting to hang out with Jack Canfield join. I have a link in the description to enroll www.marissafayecohen.com/oils and when you enroll following that link, you will automatically be put on my team, which is Jack Canfield's team you get to hang out with him every Tuesday.

Jack Canfield: Yeah, let me just say about that when you join the team because I didn't know much about essential oils. But every Tuesday from 10:30am until 12pm California time, we have an education call and we've had some of the most amazing experts on these calls. People that have been involved with Young Living for 25 years doctors, literally MD’s, chiropractors, psychologists, and they come on and they educate us about the impact of these oils. How to use them correctly, what they are, what the feelings kit does. What the Aroma Therapy Technique is. We had a member of the military who had PTSD come on and talk about how he overcame his trauma from the war using these oil kits, and how his night rages stopped and how his flashback stopped occurring. And he got more emotional balance and everything. And he was amazing along with his wife and talking about their story of how essential oils had had really helped them normalize their emotions over time. And so, every week we have that. And then we have opportunity calls. So if you decide you want to do this as a business opportunity, obviously, when you first start this, you don't know how to talk about it, but we do. And so, every Wednesday and every Friday at 12 o'clock Pacific Standard Time, we do a call where myself and Alice and probably Marissa, some, at some point will be on there as a teacher as well, because people are telling their stories about how it's impacted them. And so, what happens is, we're doing all the enrolling for you, and then you just sign them up that part's really easy, or we can even help you sign the people up underneath you. And you do that for like four or five weeks. And by then, you know, you've got your story down, you know, you hear it enough, you can tell it yourself. And we've grown our organization, from about 31 people, I looked today, we're at 550 people after just a couple of months. And so, it's very exciting for me, that we're here to support you. I've never been so enrolled in anything as I was since I started our Train the Trainer program, we started training people all over the world to teach our work itself the success principles. My wife says you're like a little kid in a candy store. I said Yeah, I am. I'm having too much fun. I just can't wait to get out of bed in the morning and start again.

Marissa: That's awesome. Oh, that makes me so happy, like revitalized you.

Jack Canfield: Yeah, so tell people how to be on your team again one more time and then we can bring it to a close.

Marissa: Okay, so in the description under this video, I have a link that directs you to how to enroll how to become a member and my information’s already input in it. So, all you need to do is pick out your kit and your diffuser, I always recommend the Desert Mist because I just think it's the prettiest And I really like the candle setting three buttons in. So just so you know, but follow the link, sign up, register and enroll, get your starter kit and then join us for this world of learning how to change your life financially, emotionally, physically, literally any possible way you need a life change. This one's got you, know essential oils really help.

www.marissafayecohen.com/oils

Jack Canfield: I love it, essential oils We got you Got you.

Marissa: Thank you so much for being here, Jack Canfield. I really, really appreciate it. I hope this helps a lot of people. Thank you, we’re really grateful.

Jack Canfield: So, welcome yourself. I'm always glad to help you any way I can. Thank you so much.

If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!

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Wednesday May 20, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Emotional Abuse In Lesbian Relationships: With Dr. Sheena Howard

Wednesday May 20, 2020

Wednesday May 13, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Why Do I Feel Sad?: With Lauren

Wednesday May 13, 2020

Wednesday May 06, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: I Need To Change My Life

Wednesday May 06, 2020

Wednesday Apr 29, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: MST Military : With Amy

Wednesday Apr 29, 2020

Get Your FREE COPY of my book, 3 Signs of A Toxic Relationship, Now...
Can you heal from abuse? What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day. And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough. Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation. But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entire lives have been impacted by their narcissist. Yours doesn’t have to. To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.

Marissa:
Hey everyone, welcome back to healing from emotional abuse. For the last few weeks, I've brought on survivors of sexual assault to talk a little bit about what they went through, and also how they healed and advice that they have for other survivors. I think it's really important to share our stories. Hence the breaking through our silence podcast, breaking through the silence my book series, I just think that the most important step and the first step towards healing is speaking about it. So if I can find as many voices to share their stories as I can, the hope is, it'll empower other survivors who are still silenced, to break their silence and feel empowered and strong about talking about it. It'll empower other survivors to speak out and tell their story. I just want you to know that you're not alone. And every person that's come on this podcast this month, and shared their story has shared the same goal. We all just want survivors to be unsilenced, to break through that barrier and know that you are never alone, and you have millions of other people who have a shared experience with you to help you through it. This is our last episode for Sexual Assault Awareness Month. And last but not least, I wanted to introduce one of my dear friends, Amy. Amy is a champion. She was abused when she was a child and has overcome so much adversity in relation to that and morphed into this powerhouse, advocate. I'm so honored to bring her on here. She's worked in several capacities with military and civilians. And she continues every single day to fight for and advocate for survivors around the world. Thank you so much for being here. Amy. I'm so excited.

Amy:
Well, thank you for having me.

Marissa:
Would you mind telling us whatever you're comfortable with about your truth about what happened to you?

Amy:
Well, you know, it's a very young, old teenager, right? So we're always like, 14 going on 21. And my friend and I had the really great plan that we were going to go to the party where you had met these younger soldiers, and they invited us to a party. And so we went. And I really liked this one boy. I mean, he was, of course, a man. But I looked at them kind of the same as me. And he kissed me, and I really liked it. And then he wanted to kiss somewhere else in the more private area. And so I went with him, because he was really nice and handsome. And when I told him to stop, he wouldn't stop. And when I told him I was a virgin and started crying. He was like, No, you're not. Even afterwards, like he walked me part of the way home. And then I got caught for being out past curfew. And then when they looked at me, they, they saw what had happened. And you know, it was just kind of an out of body experience. And almost like the trauma that it caused on my family was more than actually the assault. And then some other things happened after that, because I started acting out. Maybe we'll get into that part another time. But I think, you know, he actually tried to make it seem like I was his girlfriend afterwards. I mean, I think that was one of the most bizarre things. So there was this, like, mental fight in my head, about me crying to him and telling him No, and saying that I was a virgin, and then afterwards and acting like he really cared about me. So that really started a bad self image, low self esteem and acting out as a teenager. So I think that that really placed me on a path that I didn't even understand that I was on until I became an adult. And I don't think people really understand that when people are traumatized like that, that they internalize a lot of things and begin to have behaviors that seem counter intuitive of someone that you would house some people think that you would act as a victim of rape, right?

Marissa:
100%

Amy:
I was more comfortable in a combative relationship, where I didn't feel valued. And actually pushed away more healthy people because I didn't feel like I deserved that. And I think that's something that a lot of people deal with when they have been traumatized and haven't been able to have that cognitive behavioral therapy to understand that it's really not about any of your behaviors. So for me, you know, working with clients now, when the general populace as a what were they doing or you know, there, there's things that people can do men and women to avoid being sexually assaulted. It's a really huge trigger for me. You know? So I mean, should there be an expectation, if you and your friend meet a bunch of handsome young men within your age bracket, they were adults, but we weren't. But you still, you know, you as, as a young adult, you don't see a 19-20 year old as being that much different as you. It was like, right before my 15th birthday, and my friend was 16. Right? So we felt we were that age to, even though we, we didn't understand like, emotionally, maturity wise, we weren't. But in your teenage narcissistic brain, you don't see it that way.

Marissa:
And I want to go back to something because you brushed over something that I wanted to definitely comment on. A lot of people, especially if you were assaulted as like a teenager, young adult, when you're still kind of trying to find yourself, you lose that control that control of your body. And a lot of times very often, people will take that lesson as, “well, if people are going to use me like this anyways, if my body's only good for sex, then I want to at least be in control of it.” I mean, even if those are the words that are said, that creates this, like expectation that your body is an item or an object, and then causes a lot of promiscuity.

Amy:
Oh, 100%. Absolutely. Because you feel like that's the only i think it's it's more complicated than than just the promiscuity. It's a real sick, twisted, kind of, like you want to be loved so bad, but you want to be in control, but you only get attention and it's negative attention. It compounds right. So any attention is better than no attention. Right? The negative attention is easier to get.

Marissa:
Oh, yeah, absolutely. And it's, you're right, it's easier to get, and it takes less time and energy for a young woman, all you have to do is you know, wear a tank top in school and all the boys are looking at your shoulders and you know, it's such a double standard.

Amy:
What like a self-fulfilling prophecy too, right.

Marissa:
Yeah, that's what I was going for.

Amy:
It's like the cycle of violence, right? And it's what society feeds off of, and continues the victim blaming cycle, right? Because you as the victim are actually trying to take control of your life. But then you're projecting this other image, which makes people feel like you are not a victim.

Marissa:
Right? And that goes back to what society paints as the perfect victim, if you're not a young girl, hysterically crying, then you're not a real victim, you know? And there's that double standard.

Amy:
Well, you and you take my situation, for example, I was 14, I was a virgin. Right. But I had snuck out of the house, and I drank a Barros & James peach wine cooler And, you know, I was out past curfew. So they took all of those into account and made it to be like somehow my responsibility,

Marissa:
Right, even though your child and not legally even allowed to consent, depending on the state.

Amy:
Well, I was not at an age of consent at all. If you think about it was a drug facilitated sexual assault, you had a 14 year old girl that was being fed wine coolers, and innocent kids lead it to a sexual assault. That is, by definition, the number one rape scenario in the world.

Marissa:
How do people respond when your family was going through it? Did you speak about it at all?

Amy:
Yeah, well, I mean, it was while she was wearing short shorts, and a tank top and she was at the party and she was drinking and she lied. It was all about my behavior.

Marissa:
And not about the fact that somebody took advantage of you as a child.

Amy:
Right. And I think still to this day, there's some issue with you know, our family was sent to a different location away from my dad, because he had a job to do. And he couldn't, you know, there was this whole, like, your family can't be managed in this environment. Right?

Marissa:
Oh, my God. So they forced you guys. Were you living on a base?

Amy:
Yeah. So we were sent back stateside, which is a very normal response for the military.

Marissa:
That's disgusting. So instead of punishing the person who, actually abused you…

Amy:
Our family with separated

Marissa:
That’s disgusting.

Amy:
I'm not crying right now, I might cry. You know, it's weird because, you know, sometimes I do get upset about it. But more often, my response is I’m at a place where it gives me drive. Right? When I talk about it triggers me when people talk about victims behaviors and things like that. I'm just like, well, you think for some reason that, that individual wouldn't have found another vulnerable person to take advantage of and victimize.

Marissa:
Right? If they're going to abuse somebody, it's not always about who, you know, it's a matter of needing to control and have power over someone.

Amy:
It's error and opportunity, right? It's access. It's the same dynamic as why I'm fundamentally against people telling their children to give relatives or friends, “Oh, kids go and give so and so hug, tell them Goodbye, or give them a kiss on the cheek. Go say thank you…” No, quit telling people that we owe them some kind of physical affection for approval.

Marissa:
I agree

Amy:It’s not appropriate.

Marissa:
Yeah, you don't know the situation, you don't know what the child has to know that they are in control their body and if they are uncomfortable hugging somebody or giving someone a kiss, that they do not have to? I absolutely agree.

Amy:
I mean, somehow the kind of legalized prostitution that we have established in the dating world, that somehow a level of doting or flattery, or the level of expenditure for a date somehow equates to some kind of physical repayment.

Marissa:
It's called manipulation. You know, that's why I am fundamentally against the word friend zone. You know, you're not getting friend zone, because you are nice to somebody and they're not interested in you sexually. You were being a friend. And it having an ulterior motive on that friendship is a manipulation of the friendship and of the person.

Amy:
And if you think about it like this, why can't I just want to have sex with somebody just because I feel like it? You know, why should I be obligated because you took me to Smith & Wollensky’s, to an expensive dinner and then drinks on the rooftop at a ritzy bottle service. So now I owe you oral sex. Or maybe like, I'm just having fun with you. And we could have had a picnic in the park and went to your rooftop private deck. And I would just felt like giving you oral sex. It shouldn't matter. There shouldn't be an expectation of economic output somehow gives you physical… Like, why don’t we just start doing dollar for dollar? I mean, I don't know for you if as as a woman you've ever experienced someone being like, well, you paid $150. For dinner, we had a $75 bar tab. So now you're up to $225. Right? So you think that my vagina is worth $225?

Marissa:
That's not nearly enough.

Amy:
Right? So I mean, if we're gonna have an equitable exchange, escorts that don't even give any kind of sexual pleasure at the end of the night make more money than that. So if you just wanted something to sit there and be pretty, we're gonna have to reevaluate this. I'm saying like, this is an issue, right? But somehow it yields to all these other social issues that somehow somebody is nice to you, you owe them something, right. Why can't you just say thank you, and be appreciative and let something …

Marissa:
Build and grow.

Amy:
Yeah, become something organically.

Marissa:
That's what it should be. But I think that, I don't know, people become so greedy, and they value their money more than they value, your ability to make decisions for yourself. I don't owe anybody anything. Nobody owes anyone anything. Not sex, not your body, not nothing, unless it's agreed upon.

Amy:
But those those thought processes yield to the same rape culture, right? It's like why people don't have any kind of, I don't know if anger is the right word I wanted. Okay. So, if a child is sexually abused, right, people are out of control up in arms, right? So if I'm married for 10 years, and my husband gets drunk and comes home and slaps me around a little bit, not enough to bruise me up. Just kind of read my cheeks a little bit and then rapes me. People really don't get excited about that. They don't seem to have this that is the same type of trauma, when it is. When it's someone you know, love and trust, that's kind of like, "Well, you've had sex with him, like, I don't know, over the course of how many years, whatever, once a month times 12 times 10. So whatever, I'm just throwing out numbers, so you've had sex with him? At least 120 times a year. So what what's the problem with this time.” It's kind of how it's looked at, right?

Marissa:
Mm hmm. Yep.

Amy:
You got it on ya. You've been giving it to them anyway. So why are you so upset now? All of these thought processes continue to perpetuate the same thing? Why are rapes going up in our society?

Marissa:
Because we don't address rape culture the right way, we paint a perfect victim. And if you don't sit in that perfect victims, exact identity, you're not a victim.

Amy:
And I mean, and I'm not saying this is the thing, I'm just kind of throwing a thought, is it because women are generally being an empowering themselves in the workplace, and taking on different roles. And so the best way to reduce and take away our power is to sexually harass us, or take our power away by physically assaulting us with rape.

Marissa:
I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. I think it's also just a power struggle.

Amy:
If you go back to the Viking culture, like Viking women used to run the show. And then they t picked the men that were the strongest to have children with their children would survive in their rough surroundings and culture and all of these things. And then they started being overpowered. And they became victims of rape and then the power balance changed.

Marissa:
That's so interesting. I didn't know that.

Amy:
Yeah, so I find as a professional woman, thank God, as professional woman, I have done my best to protect myself and haven't been like, actually raped, but I have been sexually assaulted via rear and grab. You know, you don't even think about it because someone grabbed your rear end. It's not the same level of trauma, but is the same level of I don't really give a shit about you. But what I have experienced quite frequently is when they can't attack my character, or my ability, or my professionalism, they somehow figure out a way to say that I my clothes are somehow too attractive,

Marissa:
Or too small, or, you know, make comments about your body. They do that to me. They used to do that to me all the time.

Amy:
Right? To the point where like, I started wearing turtlenecks to work. One of my friends is like, well, you're not making excuses for but you know, she's fallen into that same. Like, would rather protect herself and go against grain. She's like, “Well, Amy, you know, you shouldn't have gotten a boob job and you wouldn't have so much attention.” I'm like, these are mine. Even if I did get a boob job that, like it has no bearing,. And she's like, “Because even with turtlenecks, you can't hide them.” I'm like, Well, I can't do anything with them. Because this is how God made my body. And so what if I would have gotten a boob job? What's the big deal? And she was right. It didn't matter if I was wearing a sweater or a turtleneck, or a V neck or a dress or a sweater-dress or Michael Kors dress or whatever. There's certain things it is just what it is. And somehow I'm responsible for you taking, staring at me and trying to take my power by saying there's something about my body that makes me less valuable at work?

Marissa:
That it's disgusting. And it's just a means to silence women and silence people by making them feel inferior in their bodies. It's not your fault that you were born with boobs. It's and it's not your fault. If you buy boobs, you know, if you haven't you make you can't control anyone else’s behavior. Because you did something for you. That's not your problem. That is the offender's problem always. They're the ones that make the choice.

Amy:
Sometimes not even the offender. That is the worst issue. Other people his opinions, like perpetuate rape culture. Yeah, I'm like you guys are helping the rapist? Yo, what's going on here?

Marissa:
People who perpetuate rape culture, encourage rapists, you're 100% on point. We know we make it so easy for them. Because we're already telling people that they shouldn't be who they are in their bodies and we're telling people they shouldn't wear certain things and if I'm comfortable wearing booty shorts and it tank top to a party. And I want to that does not mean somebody gets to touch or comment or take any part of my body that is not theirs. It is still my body.

Amy:
Well, I'll tell you an interesting phenomenon. I have never in all my life, the safest I’ve felt in my body is being a nude beach. Yes, like I didn't feel ogled, I wasn't stared at, I wasn't hit on, I was just left alone, to be in my own body and my own safe space, and enjoy all the vitamin D to every part of my parts.

Marissa:
I feel like that's because everyone's in the same vulnerable place. If you can feel vulnerable, you know, in your body or naked, but everyone is showing all they've got, you know, so what makes you so different from everyone else?

Amy:
Exactly. Well, and I think there's also hard rules, no cameras, no sexual behavior, you know, all of these things. There no creep, under a tent, or under an umbrella with a big hat, you know, taking secret pictures of people.

Marissa:
That makes sense. And other cultures like other countries are very cavalier about nude beaches. I think America has a big problem with nudity. Whereas other countries have a big problem with the violence we portray in our media, we have a problem with the way that they are more sexually open or aware.

Amy:
Even being working in rape crisis, working with child sexual assault. If you are against a rape culture, that somehow you are a man hating, sexist, feminist, right? And that you don't enjoy sex; That all men are bad; That you don't like men; And you hate sex. And that is completely bad and you should be some kind of nun. It's strange, and not liking rape does not mean you don't like sex. They are not the same thing.

Marissa:
Exactly. That's what I was just about to say.

Amy:
I needed to get it through people like schools, rape crisis counselors and people that intervene in rape situations and help people get the help they need so they can get their power back, do not hate men, and do not hate sex.

Marissa:
I've never heard that one. But I appreciate you bringing that up.

Amy:
I want to put this out as a public service announcement for men and women, regardless of who you like to have the sex with. If you are respectful of people's bodies, if you are respectful of their time and space, and where they're at emotionally, and you give them love and honesty, they will want to make love to you, if they are attracted to you. Because our bodies are built to want to have sexual pleasure. You know, we are one of the only other mammals in the world that have sex for pleasure. We're supposed to like it. It's supposed to be enjoyable, it's healthy for you. It's healthy, to have orgasms, to release those endorphins. It's healthy to share that intimacy with somebody that you trust. All of that is healthy. What is not healthy, is taking somebody's body for your own pleasure and abusing them, and hurting them.

Marissa:
Absolutely. Thank you for that PSA. So what are you doing? So we know you're working with rape crisis. What do you do? What are you doing? What projects are you working on?

Amy:
So right now, we've had a lot of forward movement and being more educated, in child sexual abuse, and cycle’s of violence, and families with pedophilia. And we've been more spoken out about rape situations and things like that. But unfortunately, from my perspective as a professional, we have gone away from like the grassroots of actually helping the people that have been traumatized, to spending millions of dollars on these overarching organizations that kind of leave the victims at the wayside. And don't get to the root of the problem and take the initial crisis, and don't follow that person through to the end state. Also, working within the confines that you know, money has become an issue. And there's been a lot of abuse of power where people haven't been able to get the help that they need, because they're stuck in these organizations that have a very structured hierarchy and giving people an alternative source to find that help outside of those confines.

Marissa:
No, it does. When I used to work for the military, one of the things that I would do is help people that were sexually assaulted, either on deployment or not. And I would very seldom connect them to people, military related. And I would outsource to other resources to therapists and programs that were not related to the military. Because the way the military handled it was so regimented, and truly, like incorrect. It wasn't in good conscience. I couldn't in good conscience, relate them to like the VA, who I know is not going to help them, or to their commander who I knew was not going to help them.

Amy:
Well, I think help looks different, right? Say, for example, that I work at McDonald's, and I need this job to take care of my family. And I've worked there, maybe nine months, in the shift supervisor has worked there10 years, and it’s franchise, McDonald's, and he's friends with the owner andnd the manager. And I become sexually assaulted, and then it becomes the owner of the McDonald’s right, absolute right, undeniable, like they have carte blanche authority over whether their shift leader - that gives them the most returns, the most capital, the largest producing revenue - that owner gets to decide whether that shift leader that raped to me gets a slap on the hand or actually punished. How well do you think that that works?

Marissa:
Probably not? Well, I'm pretty sure that you the employee, are expendable. And the person they've had this relationship with is easier to believe, because they, “Know them better.”

Amy:
And they are equitable for them, right?

Marissa:
Mm hmm.

Amy:
And then my other colleagues, that also worked for the same shift leader, well, that shift leader all gives them all the best like shifts. I'm another single mother that works there. And that shift leader knows that I have to be off on Mondays because my kid has speech therapy. And they always make whether I have to work on Mondays or not, they always make arrangements for me that I always am off to go take my childhood speech therapy. Am I going to retaliate against you that are going to jack up my way of life? Am I going to side with the shift leader? Or, am I going to support my colleague?

Marissa:
That's a really good analogy. It's a great way to put it. You're right, because there are so many sides to the stories and so many people being affected, that we kind of lose sight of the one important factor and that safety.

Amy:
And there's no oversight, right? Right. As the owner of McDonald's, I can be like, “Well, you know, in order to protect my product, to protect my brand, then none of the things that we're doing to punish the shift leader is releasable to the public.” Now, let me ask you, let's see, let's pick a town. I don't know just say Boulder, Colorado, right. And that McDonald's owner owns 10 stores, right? That shift leader then gets promoted after they raped the one person. And we don't know what happened to them, because it might leak our French fry recipe out, right. So then that shift leader gets promoted to be the regional shift leader. And they raped two more people, and they keep their job. And then they raped five more people. So, now we're up to eight people sexually assaulted by one person, one shift leader, but he makes a lot of money. He does a good job for that McDonald's in Boulder. And this is the like a scenario. There's no such thing didn't happen in Boulder. Like, I'll just give that caveat. This is a made up scenario. And that eighth person that gets sexually assaulted, finds out that back in the day, there was a number one rape victim, they got screwed over. And they call that person be like, you know what, I'm sorry, that happened to you, too. You know, I know. I'm the eighth person who's done this to. What the hell? Then, the first and the eighth person decides to go outside of that McDonald's hierarchy. And they go to the press and the press is like holy shit. Now what do you think the community in Boulder, Colorado would say to that?

Marissa:
They get really mad that they allowed, I hope, I hope they get really mad that McDonald's owner allowed that person to go on a raping spree. I mean, I hope..

Amy:
I think that they would boycott that McDonald's, because they're allowing people to be raped in order to make money. To protect their brand,

Marissa:
Exactly. What's the economic value of a person, the monetary value of a human being?

Amy:
So you take that scenario, and you feed it into the overarching hierarchy of the military? Who does have the power to say, you can't know about that? Because it might affect national security? Where does that leave somebody? Especially service members that still cannot utilize a lot of our other given rights? Because the Fairness Doctrine?

Marissa:
What's that?

Amy:
That says that service members can't sue the military for damages.

Marissa:
They're not allowed to sue at all?

Amy:
They can’t. There's a caveat right now for medical malpractice, but it's very, very narrow.

Marissa:
Hmm. So the military can allow someone to hurt you, you can transfer them, they can mistreat you, they can gaslight you, transfer you wherever they want, they can take away your rights and privileges as a service member - which most of the time are what give you value, your ability to you know, have a gun and your ability to defend. They took both those things away from you. And you can't sue them for any of it. You can't retaliate for any of it.

Amy:
You can't protect yourself. I can tell you, I've talked to many service members active and retired and medically discharged, that they were told to suck it up.

Marissa:
I believe the term that I heard a lot was “Unfuck yourself.”

Amy:
That's another term that they use quite frequently, but no, and I want to make it very clear. It depends on who's in charge, right? Like not all owners and McDonald's not all leaders military are bad. But when everything relies on that person's good or bad decision making, and there's no oversight, where do you have it? I don't think that the general public also knows that a commander in the military can decide to accept a level of risk. It's their decision. And they can be advised, but nobody has there's no force function.

Marissa:
That's a lot of power for one person.

Amy:
It is. And then you add in the cloak of we can't be transparent because the national security. There is nothing about somebody being raped or sexually assaulted, that has an adverse effect on national security. The one thing that would have adverse effect on national security is rapists being allowed to continue to rape people, especially in a deployed environment. How mission ready do you think your soldiers, men and women, service members, sailors Airmen; How well do you think they're going to be able to carry out their mission to protect our freedom if they're worried that someone's going to sexually assault them? And oh, by the way, if you say anything, you need to figure it out yourself.

Marissa:
So what can we as advocates and the public do to help service members feel more powerful or to feel more protected? Like how can we help?

Amy:
And that's part of what we're working to establish. Yes, you are service members, and yes, you have different confines, because you are. But there, there are certain things that can't be taken away from you. If you're a victim of a violent crime, there are federal victim crime rights that have to be upheld by the military, as well as in civilian world. And those things are not being held to a standard. You have a right to be reasonably heard. You have a right to be conferred with. You know, and some people get confused about what that means. If I'm a victim of sexual assault, I have the right to talk to the person that's adjudicating that crime. So, I get to have my say in court. Regardless of how they dispose of it. Whether, you know it goes to a court process or not. I, as a victim, get to say, because this person did this to me, it adversely affected my life, in this way. Like I get to say that. I get to be informed of the proceeding. Very, very simple, transparent things that are not occurring

Marissa:
And aren't a risk to public safety.

Amy:
No. And there's no force function when it doesn't happen. Okay, so they didn't do it. So what? Well, the same people that have the ability to fix it, are the same people that are not doing the things that they're supposed to that's been in federal law since the Reagan administration.

Marissa:
So what can what can we do to support service members going through this?

Amy:
Well, I think that they need to know that there is military advocacy available, but there's also other nonprofits that are also federally funded, that they can get services through. That know what their rights are. If the same owner of McDonald's is like, “Okay, well, this person I hired to be your advocate." How comfortable are you gonna feel going to that person knowing that the same guy or girl that's paying the paycheck of your rapist is also paying the paycheck of your advocate?

Marissa:
It just seems like a conflict of interest.

Amy:
It's an exact conflict of interest.

Marissa:
Where did the loyalty lie JAGs aren't going to go against the military, because that's who pays them, it makes sense. They're not going to bite the hand that feeds them.

Amy:
The legislation came up with this beautiful thing, because during Article 32 Hearings, which is basically like a grand jury indictment, they were violating victims rights all over the place. Every person that, that person has ever had any kind of sexual contact with or any kind of flaw, as it would be seen in their personality, (which don’t think it's a flaw to go to behavioral health,) but they were using those things as flaws. Like, “this person's crazy. And they have sex with everybody.” And so it was brought up to Congress, and they're like, “Okay, well, we're gonna enact this law for the National Defense Authorization Act, that deeds folks get their own lawyers,” which are like, if you're familiar with any kind of civilian court processes, or, you know, anything that with child protections, like a guardian ad litem, right? It's, it's supposed to be just for that person. Except the person that rates that lawyer, or gives them their performance employment evaluations for promotions and what not, is the same lawyer that the JAG, the Judge Advocate General, for the commander that decides whether to prosecute their case or not. And then let's add another little addition to that. That same lawyer that is supposed to protect the rights of victims, and they do the best job that they can. There’s a saying in the military: Never take on what your rank can handle. So if you know anything about rank structure: You’ve got Captain, then you have Major, Lieutenant Colonel, Full-Bird Colonel, which not a lot of people make Full Bird Colonel ever in their career, then you have a One Star General and a Two Star General. Right? So there are five ranks in between that captain, who is that victims lawyer. You’re a Captain for about seven years. You’re a Major for about three years. Lieutenant Colonel, four to five years. Colonel three to four, depending. So, that you have rank and experience on top of it, right? So you're usually in your 50s before you become a general. So you not only have five ranks on top of me, but you have probably about, at least, 15 to 17 years of experience that I'm fighting against.

Marissa:
It’s not a fair battle.

Amy:
It's like allowing a freshman to wrestle a senior out of their weight class.

Marissa:
Yeah, it just it seems like a losing battle. And that person is your superior like you can't in the military structure, you can't disrespect somebody of a higher rank than you there's an authority in your rank, like you said.

Amy:
Yeah, never take on what your rank and authority can't handle. They're gonna do the best that they can, but they're also not protected.

Marissa:
So what we need to do is create a new system, which is what your coalition is doing, right?

Amy:
So what the coalition is, at this juncture, is an alternative advocacy group that knows the confines of the military. So, any service member that reaches out to this coalition can rest assured that the military cannot press us.

Marissa:
I love that.

Amy:
You can't. You can have idle threats all day long,

Marissa:
But they can’t influence it because it's not funded by the military.

Amy:
We don't have any military contracts. There's a lot of rape crisis organizations that have million dollar contracts with the Department of Defense.

Marissa:
So if we wanted to support this coalition, how can we do that?

Amy:
Well, we're at our infancy right now, I think that there's more to follow on, if people want to support it, that we can give them some contact information. And the website is in development stage right now. Right now you guys can just send us all your good love vibes. As we get it going. We're going to try to launch very soon, but we don't have like a hard date. But we can do a follow on podcast and talk more about that.

Marissa:
Of course, I'll update the description when we have more solid info, but I'll put the website and everything in the description. So if you want to learn more, at a later date, you're more than welcome to go to the website, send some emails, look at the amazing work that Amy's doing with this coalition and her amazing team.

Amy:
And if you want to also you can, you can add the Shadley Editions as part of our coalition. So, retired Major General Robert Shadley, he part of the coalition, he and his wife, Camilla. And he blogs about this stuff all the time. And he was the only commanding officer that actually conducted a proper investigation. He wrote a book about it called The Game: Unraveling Military Sex Scandals. And he busted wide open the sex scandal that was going on in Aberdeen Proving Ground and that training environment. And he did it the right way. He says all the time, he writes in his book, “You will be more successful in the military, if you commit a sexual offense than you would be if you reported one.” And I think that speaks volumes.

Marissa:
That's a really strong statement.

Amy:
And he loves the military. And I want to be very clear, there's not any of us that don't support, love and cherish what, you know, service members do. And we don't want to do anything that would adversely affect them. But what we do want is for people to understand that it's wrong to punish somebody for reporting their sexual assault. It's wrong. And it's not okay. It's wrong to retaliate against people who stand up for victims of sexual assault and harassment. And there is no place outside of the military, that gives people a venue to say, “Hey, this happened, and it's not okay. And I need help.” And there's not any other organization that I'm aware of, that actually provides direct Client Services, advocacy, to people that are suffering because their sexual assault or harassment are being mishandled. We love Protect Our Defenders. We collaborate with them all the time. They're very legislation focused, and we support them, and we support each other. But legislation is amazing, and we support all of their efforts. But every person matters and direct services to clients matters. You know, we have many families that participate in the coalition that their children have committed suicide, because their children did not receive the support and help that they're legally allowed and had a right to have. And one child committing suicide is too much. But there are far too many young men and women killing themselves because they were so badly harassed, teased, blackmailed, after they reported their sexual assault. And there's no excuse for it. And these families that their children have, could suicide, you know, receive copies of investigations that are so highly redacted, they don't even know what on earth happened. Nowhere else in the world could people contribute to the death of your child and not be transparent with you and what people did and didn't do?

Marissa:
That's disgusting. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for all the amazing work you're doing to help survivors in the military and outside of the military. We'll definitely do another interview. When your coalition is out of the infancy phase.

Amy:
Yes, this is like a like a preview. In the preview, yeah, we'll do it. We'll do a launch party.

Marissa:
Perfect. I will put in the description of this podcast the date. I'll keep it up to date with information about our launch and the website and everything. Thank you so much, Amy.

Hey! If you enjoyed this podcast, you have to check out www.MarissaFayeCohen.com/Private-Coaching. Marissa would love to develop a made-for-you healing plan to heal from emotional abuse. She does all the work, and you just show up. Stop feeling stuck, alone, and hurt, and live a free, confident, and peaceful life. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Healing From Emotional Abuse podcast, and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/marissafcohen, and instagram @Marissa.Faye.Cohen. We’d love to see you there!
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Wednesday Apr 22, 2020

Healing From Emotional Abuse: Parenting After Abuse: With Sarah

Wednesday Apr 22, 2020